Deviant Dispatches

Let me start with this: Life is fucking hard and I don't blame you for skipping right down to the recipe. Lately (as in, since March 2020), it's been one thing after another. Staying home, avoiding people, doing what we thought was best for the kids, realizing that was not best for them or for us, and trying to survive hour to hour in the onslaught of anxiety, uncertainty, and decision fatigue. The kids are dealing with reintegration now, and it's hard in different ways for each of them. One is loving school and hates being at home, and the other doesn't know how to be social anymore. This morning, I felt tired, unappreciated, guilty, and broken all before 8 a.m. So I made cake for breakfast. The kids love pancakes, but the youngest only likes them with syrup or honey, and the oldest is never interested in a healthy side dish. Drop the "pan" though, and it's a different story. I added an extra egg to my favorite pancake mix, and poured it over a layer of f...

Been a while. I'm posting this exclusively for the purpose of remembering what I made last night so I can make it again. But not on a weeknight - this was way too involved for that, what with two small and hungry children clawing at my ankles. At least the results were fantastic - Child Unit 1 spontaneously said thank you and that it was delicious! They're empanada -like, but I'm pretty damn white so it's likely I missed something vital. Apologies on that front. I was going to take a picture, but it didn't end up very photogenic. I didn't bother with the egg wash, so the pastry looked pretty blah, and the cream sauce looked exactly like the "grey stuff" from Beauty and the Beast. Shocking that Child Unit 2 didn't want a bite of it to tide him over. Mmm, grey stuff. Walnut and Roasted Beet Empanadas * 2 extra large beets (like seriously, huge), cubed 1/2 c. walnuts, chopped 2 T. olive oil 1/4 c. onion, chopped Greens from the beets, ...

Parenting so far has been an adventure in ups and downs. Strength and Weakness of Body My daughter's birth went well. I was healthy throughout pregnancy and she was born with no complications. I'm still amazed at the fact that after she was born - after birthing a freaking child - they gave me ibuprofen, and it was enough to manage the pain. My body makes food for my daughter while I'm busy doing things like taking pictures or cleaning poop off the floor. I was able to function week after week without REM sleep. That said, the first week was a trip. I don't deal well with lack of sleep, even now that I have a three-month-old. In the first week, I got so dizzy from lack of sleep and weird hours that I nearly fell over several times. It was enough to make me feel nervous about carrying her from room to room; thankfully, Spousal Unit was home during that time as well. I also got a painful infection, and later that month, I was sick enough that I had to get two l...

Spousal Unit has wanted to make pancakes out on the patio since we moved in. Perhaps a bit strange, yes, but it sounded fun, too, and his unusual creativity is wonderful. So I mixed up the batter and told him to be careful of bird flyovers. And he made pancakes, which we ate on our patio in the warm sun, surrounded by encroaching greenery that I haven't yet bothered to prune. After, I went to my cousin's baby shower. It was fun to see lots of family in a more unusual context (a bowling alley). Brooke and I with our spicy, decadent bloody marys. The next morning for Mother's Day, we started out with mimosas. Brooke's was a little pale. Neal was disapproving, as usual. We finished it off with a trip to River Bend Winery. It was good to see Mom so happy.

Sally Anns are one of my favorite cookies. By their taste alone, they evoke a sense of home and comfort, reminding me of the kitchen at my grandparents' place and the simple happiness of mid-afternoon sweets. They're the only food that evokes the thought, This would be better with a cup of coffee. Making them was a good Easter activity, especially as I was stuck away from the family due to unpacking (the books are now free!) and yard work shenanigans (such as finding a dead mouse in the yard, which was lovely). With help from my mom, I found the recipe in the family cookbook (my great-great-grandparents are on the cover, and other awesome old pictures are scattered throughout). I decided that the transgression of buying a can of Spam (just once) was worth it for the sake of the cookies. Poke holes in the bottom of the can to allow for air flow. I didn't have enough butter for a full batch, but half of one made 18 Cookies of Unusual Size. I made the mistake of...

Every day, the sun sets. Right now, I can think of a dozen poems and a dozen poets right for the occasion. But I have no words of my own. It's one of those times when I'm glad for other writers in the world - people who've been there before me, to give voice to feelings I can't articulate. Their efforts are a soothing balm in difficult times, though they can't heal on their own. I could go on. I could consider the cyclical nature of life, delve into memory, pound out words with a soft fury that I don't understand. But the most peaceful thing right now is in knowing that the sun will set today, just like it has for millennia past. Not everything has changed. But enough has. *** I wrote the above a week ago, the day my grandma passed away. In some ways, it's still unreal. In others, I'm both relieved for her and devastated for everyone who loved her. Since then, I've been to her visitation and funeral and seen first hand all the lives she...

Today, it is beautiful out. The sun shines on the side of the building, and I can imagine the warmth of the brick. I imagine from my desk the feel of heat radiating outward, warming my perpetually cold hands. I imagine sitting in my new house a week from now, with that same sun shining on me in the tea room as I curl up in a blanket, surrounded  by boxes. I imagine the bitter wind that comes wrapped in spring sunshine, a package deal. Its bite surprises, vicious in the face of such warmth. After the cold of months past, it is bare by comparison, but I keep my winter coat handy for a few more days. How is it possible, this comfort and this chill that makes me curl up on myself? How do they coexist so readily, so constantly, so wordlessly? I try to envision that balance in myself, to embody yin and yang. It must be there already, because what can exist without both? But I've turned a blind eye to evidence in the past. I've been known to ignore fact and contemplate my own fi...

Over the weekend, I completed a whirlwind of important tasks. I visited my grandparents. I packed. I baked. I worried. I drank and spilled lots of tea and coffee. I drank lots of something that was not tea with my immediate family and cousins I've not seen in far too long. Important things, I tell you. I also got to see both of my nephews, which really shows the difference two months can make at a young age. Wee Axel Mr. Wyatt (Photo by Brooke) And I wrote. I'm now on page 133. I'll overshoot page 140 easily by end of the month, presuming I don't have to spend a crazy amount of time on the packing, which is going well. Tonight will feature vegetarian reubens, some angry saints , and pizza crust made in anticipation of moving day. Today is okay. Tomorrow will be okay too.

I've been trying to get back into photography lately. It's always been a hobby, but I did more with it back in high school and college. Part of that means having subjects to photograph, and lucky for me, friends Joe and Kaelin (for whom I made this ) agreed to have some pre-baby pictures taken. Also lucky for me, they will soon have a little one who will be an unwilling subject of my attempts at artistry for years to come (until he can walk, anyway). Click to view the larger images. I don't care how cliche this pose is; it's a good picture. 'Tude. They has it. Practice. They'll be glad this picture is handy when he first asks, "Where did I come from?"

This morning, it is -15F. The wind chill is -35. I am focused on more important things at the moment, and creativity through language (at least, as crafted by me) seems unimportant, trivial. I've been fighting some kind of illness for about a week. My month-old nephew is in the hospital. Smaller things, like the apartment still being a mess from Christmas, add to the distractedness.  I'm going to be somewhat idiotic and brave the cold today. So you get sunsets. They're filler, but they're good filler. Stay warm, everyone.

In December, I had not one, but two Christmases ... Baked dozens and dozens of cookies ... Visited my wonderful grandparents ... And other family ... Got to meet my nephew ... ... And watched my sister graduate. It was a lovely way to end the year. I have high expectations for 2014, which is going to beat the pants off of 2013 - and if it doesn't, I will beat the pants off of 2014.

Over the weekend, Spousal Unit and I had Christmas with his family. Unfortunately, the gifts for his parents were on "backorder" (i.e., in the mail), so we improvised with a couple of CDs. The idea J went with for his dad was pretty cool: songs that refer to the Beatles. Surprisingly, some of the best ones he found are country-esque, such as I Saw It on TV by John Fogerty and She Likes the Beatles by William Clark Green. This all meant that Jack was the only one who got a complete gift, though I have to say it was the coolest gift I gave this year. Zelda 3-ring plaque and Triforce gauntlets ! We took a really good family picture, because we're dashing people. Then we had an overpriced, comically awkward dinner sitting far too close to an incredibly quiet couple (which I don't fault them for) who made this Italian family feel like they had to be quiet in return - something that doesn't happen often. Luckily, Spousal Unit and I were able to laugh inw...

My sister Laura graduated over the weekend. I am super proud of her. The family (plus support system) had dinner and drinks together the night before in celebration. I had the strongest hot toddy on the planet, modeled here by the lovely Spousal Unit. I managed to get a picture that perfectly describes Laura's relationship with her daddy. The next morning, we made the quick, joyous trip downtown for the ceremony. Except that the trip was neither quick nor joyous; we were in the middle of a delightful Wisconsin blizzard, and despite the plows having gone by shortly before we left, it was a slippery, treacherous trip, surrounded by idiots on four wheels and nary a patch of sand in sight. After some delightful fishtailing, however, we made it to our destination and watched our gal Sunday be honored for four and a half years of hard work to receive two incredible degrees. Check out the cool glasswork on the walls behind us, too! She has her whole future ahead of he...