Deviant Dispatches

Our can opener has recently decided it's only going to work when it suits its purposes, and it will stop and throw a moody tantrum for no reason halfway through a task. I can't decide if it's acting like a hormonal teenager or a temperamental two-year old. Truth is, it's closer to being a teenager. I don't remember how long we've had that thing. It was with us in New Mexico--might have been purchased there. Or it might be the same can opener I've had since the beginning of college, which would make it older than my relationship with Spousal Unit. A decidedly weird thought. One way or another, we could use a new one. But I'm at that phase right now where a tiny, necessary purchase like that feels like over-the-top spending. (Never mind that we just went out for a fancy dinner on Saturday; that's from a separate vault in my mind, which has been drained.) I get like this over the weirdest stuff. I sometimes suddenly reach a point at which any spen...

Dear Target, You suck at shipping. Other things too, but I'm sticking with shipping for now. Every year for Christmas, my family does a Secret Santa thing, because we are enormous and our wallets are tiny. This year, Spousal Unit drew the name of my sister Rachel, who wanted a popcorn popper. I dutifully went to my local Target store in search of this delightful contraption, only to find it wasn't on the shelves; alas, I would have to order it online. (Target, you may be wondering why I was the one to do this, instead of Spousal Unit. The answer, Conglomerate Retailer of Doom, is that this is how things work in our household and you should mind your own business.) When the package arrived - in a relatively short time, I might add - I only saw it from behind at first. But one thing was clear: it was shipped in its box with a thin piece of plastic around it. Nothing else adorned its cardboard sides. Target, you sad, strange little chain. I'm a fan of sa...

Now that we've gotten a few snowfalls, I'm really gearing up for winter and Christmas. They're my favorite time of year, meaning that I love to pull out books like this and go nuts. Snowflakes for All Seasons by Cindy Higham But one thing at a time. I understand the myriad reasons that people like to set up their Christmas decorations early. Some feel like I do and want the season to last as long as their families will stomach it. Some have to do it early because December is just too busy, or have to take advantage of help while they have it. All that is fine, but I prefer to wait until after Thanksgiving, and I wish retailers did, too. But this list of retailers open on T-giving shows they're much more concerned about the shorter shopping period between holidays than people being thankful for what they already have, for even one measly day of the year. (Yes, most people are thankful on other days, too. But I think it's reasonable to set aside one day ...

It's the most wonderful time of the year. No, not Christmas - but close. Hippie Christmas! This year wasn't as wonderful as the previous years; the City of Madison was doing trash collection every day this year, meaning there were slim pickings. I can't say I blame them; it's probably the most obnoxious time of the year for them. But dudes, you're totally harshing my vibe. It didn't help that I went at dinner time, instead of after, when people packing their cars get really desperate and start tossing the good stuff. On top of that, work is still totally FUBAR, so by the time I found a parking spot after dodging rush-hour traffic on the isthmus, I already wanted to go home and sleep. But I toughed it out and found this pitcher. I've come to the conclusion that some college students really like having fancy drinkware if they host lots of parties. This isn't much to look at, sure, but the spigot works, and it will go well with the decanter I g...

On Saturday, I was an excellent shopper - an unusual occurrence. I found the watermelon mint iced tea I've been wanting, despite the fact that it wasn't with the other teas. I found a nice cushion for our wicker patio chairs, which are coming unraveled; the cushion was on clearance because one of the ties was broken. (I'm not planning to use the ties, but if that changes, I can sew, yo.) After that, I decided on a whim to hunt for a garage sale. Being a Saturday in July, it didn't take me long to find one. The people were incredibly nice, and I immediately found a gorgeous piece that I liked: a white entertainment stand, with double-decker drawers that pull out. The lady commented on how much she liked my outfit (a skirt, tank top, and shawl), which was very sweet of her. I paid and went home without it, planning to return on Sunday because Spousal Unit was off with the bigger car. Later in the evening as I was going for a walk, a truck randomly pulled up besi...

Source Friday is Buy Nothing Day , and I'm really excited for it this year. Every year, I do my best not to buy anything on national holidays, like Thanksgiving. Buying things on days like that tells retailers that yes, people will buy if you are open - and they say to themselves, "Why aren't we open more?"  That leads to employees having to work Thanksgiving Day, which should be a day spent with family and friends. This year, my sister works 8:30 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day to 5 a.m. the next morning. That means trying to sleep all of Thanksgiving, waking up for a rushed meal at my grandparents' place, and running back home to get ready for work. Her hours are all thanks to Walmart, the leaders in corporate holiday ignorance. They open at 8 p.m. on Thanksgiving this year. This year, their workers are striking to protest such ridiculosity. It's about time. Buy Nothing Day was started by the group Adbusters , who also started the Occupy movement . T...

Last night, Spousal Unit and I rescued this dresser from ultimate destruction down by the dumpster. It's pretty gorgeous - I haven't cleaned it off yet to see how badly the top is actually scratched, but even if it's terrible, I don't care. We got this thing for free. My back hates me for it, because it's about as sturdy as it looks. Plus, it's one more thing to move at the end of October. Again, though: it, like most of our furniture, was free.

Yesterday, a huge jug of apple juice in the fridge ran dry, and I was going to recycle it. But then Spousal Unit said, "You could use it for watering plants. Maybe you could even poke some holes in the lid." That boy has a lot of smart. I'd been casually keeping an eye out for a cheap watering can at the secondhand stores - till now, I've just used a regular-sized water bottle, which I have to refill two or three times to satisfy all the plants. But even better than a secondhand watering device is a reused jug. It's not pretty, but it does the job, and that's all I need. The lid was pretty sturdy, so I used a nail and hammer to pound holes in the lid. They weren't big enough, so I got a bigger nail and cracked the lid. The test run showed it worked okay, and then I realized the jug needed to let air out, too. So I pounded some holes in the jug itself, just above the handle. (I had to be careful to choose a spot that wouldn't...

It wasn't long into our Vegas trip that I revoked Spousal Unit's camera privileges. Once we landed, I felt the magic pretty quickly. One might imagine this is how an acid trip feels: the hotel lobby was full of floating flower balls. (If you could even call it a lobby. They might prefer "atrium.") If that was impressive, I was completely floored by the view from our room on the 52nd floor. We could see forever. Including the Vegas we lived in for a few years, I've never seen a place where grass looks so ridiculous; the natural landscape is completely barren, so all the greenery is man-made. See the big patch of grass near the window? A golf course. $500 per game. We wandered the strip a little, and discovered some other cool things, like this siren motorcycle at Treasure Island... ...and a Sistine Chapel-esque ceiling at the Palazzo. Then the event we all came for: The Beatles Cirque du Soleil. We were not allowed to ...

From Our Breathing Planet Many bookstores these days are required to carry more than just books in order to stay afloat as a store. You probably know that already - think of your last trip to one. What did you see? Probably cards, puzzles, stuffed animals, jewelry, bookmarks, book lights, and other little kitsch items. It's when I'm receiving things like this, elbow-deep in price stickers and plastic and marketing, that I get disgusted at the consumerism and greed in our society. Don't get me wrong; these things are not the bookstore's fault. It's a societal demand that results in bookstores stocking things like spidery head massagers and decks of literary-themed cards. But the fact remains that our society feels the need for these things. We give people useless gifts, so that we can give them something.  We buy ourselves that new sweater or cool toy, not because we need it really, but because it's on sale and we want more - sometimes because we're...

Spousal Unit and I found an awesome spice rack this weekend. I'm way excited. We came across it at Saver's, which further convinces me that second-hand shopping is the best thing in the universe. At no other stores can you find such an odd collection of knick knacks, bizarre clothing, and cheap furniture. The twelve little bottles (I've only filled four of them so far) evoke such a sense of an apothecary, with their little wooden rack. Spousal Unit said they reminded him of Practical Magic, and that I should replace one of the labels with "Eye of Newt" or some such thing. I certainly won't peel these labels off, but if one falls  off someday... Spices are my favorite thing about cooking. I believe that the spices you add to something can make or break the dish. If you can master which spices to add, when, and what amount, your recipes and experiments will pretty much always be delightful. (I say "pretty much always" because even ...

The recent trend in Jobs That Will Totally Humiliate You seems to be standing out on the street corner in a costume for some business or another. That costume may or may not relate to the business, but throughout the summer, one thing is certain: the person inside it will likely have their brains fried to a crisp. One of the most high-profile street costumes is actually nothing more than a cardboard guitar, and it might be the least humiliating. Little Caesar's pizza sends their underpaid teenagers (and the older employees, too) out to the street corner to play something one step above an air guitar, decked out in a very fancy safety vest. The guitar says something about $5 pizzas, or extra breadsticks, or where to get a good bag of crack. I'm not sure, because when people are playing that guitar like mad, it's kind of impossible to actually read. Didn't think that one through, did ya, Caesar? A few blocks down from one of the pizza places is a tax place which, du...

I've found some awesome stuff covered with my signature items lately: stars and the moon. (Or moons, I'm not picky.) For some reason, those were the things I chose when I was little, as representative of myself. Might have had something to do with the phrase my mom and I always said to each other: "I love you to the moon and stars and back home again." To the Moon and Back plaque There are some amazing teapots out there with a stars and moon theme. I'm not sure which of these is my favorite. From CeramicsLife.com Look at the cool spout! And the moon handle! I love the idea of catching stars with a net. From Vermont Pottery Works (some very cool stuff!) I guess I'm not entirely sure where the tea comes out on this one, but supposedly it does! I'd worry about breaking the delicate handle, though. I also found a moon dessert! Death Star Cake! Wait a minute... That's no moon. That's a cake station! (Sorry - I could...

Some of these teapots I've found are gorgeous. Some are... interesting. Some are just totally bizarre. I think I want all of them. Most of all, I like this trio, but I especially love the dragon one. Source Speaking of cool animal-shaped teapots, anyone ever seen rhinoceros teaware? Didn't think so. I am happy to oblige. Source Of course, I prefer the monkey teapot. Source The hilarity is not lost on me: if any of these critters came in contact with these items, we'd have a mess instead of teatime. Of course, none of these that I've posted so far is really that affordable for us common people . (The monkey one? Yeah, $3,500. Not my kind of teatime.) This musical teapot, however, is less than $50, elegant, and fun. Source I'm a big fan of the Republic of Tea, both their beverages and their drinkware, like this pretty red set. Source This set is on sale right now, 30 percent off the original price. (Spousa...

I'm here to talk to you about a serious threat to men everywhere: pirate romances. Clearly, someone who went from vikings to pirates for her romance ideas only has worse things in store for men everywhere. Maybe it's the eyepatch that's speaking to me here, but it seems Connie Mason is only waiting for it to become a trend in the bedroom. Then she'll use pirate/viking magic to give them a reason for needing the eyepatch all the time. Also, pirates and vikings? Pretty much the same thing. Alright, so far as we can see, this guy doesn't have an eyepatch. But what the heck are these two doing on the same ship? The Pirate and the Puritan ? That's really the best Howe had in her arsenal: a pirate named El Diablo who is "notoriously sexy"? Sorry, if that was his only pirating skill, I have a feeling he'd be dead. And why is she wearing a tablecloth? Now, ladies and gents, may I present... ...Fabio. Yes, that Fabio. Who wrote three boo...

This customer I'm about to describe to you was real. (Presumably, she's still real, but no longer a customer.) I have not made any of this up. As my friend Nan says, "You can't make this shit up." At the bookstore yesterday, we had an event, during which we turned off the store music and spoke quietly so as not to interrupt or disturb the authors as they spoke. Some people are just oblivious to these clues; this customer was one of them. I dub her Oblivia. She wasn't shouting, but she definitely spoke much louder than most people I know, and she was one of those who just liked to talk. Sometimes, customers don't like to ask for suggestions, for whatever reason. Instead, they just start telling you everything about themselves, and everything they've ever read, hoping you'll pick up on the clues with your incredible mind-reading abilities. Sometimes it works, but customers, please understand: we are not psychics. Most of us don't even want...

Work was hell yesterday. Not only is there a ridiculous after-Christmas sale going on, but everyone decided yesterday afternoon was a good time to get rid of their possessions. The buying area had mounds of books waiting to be purchased by the store, and sellers had to wait 45 minues before anyone could get to their stuff. Insanity, I tell you. On top of that, the most ridiculous questions kept coming in. For example: "Where is your true fiction section?" "I'm looking for a book about the history of cameras. It's orange. Do you know where it might be?" "Do you have [popular book that's only been out for two days, which is certainly not at a used bookstore already]?" The phones aren't working right, either, so by the end of the day, I was wiped. Spousal Unit didn't have to fight very hard to talk me into the Market Street Diner . We checked their menu to be sure they had veggie options, and to our surprise, they had many good ...

When I was little, I had a bunch of video tapes onto which my mom had recorded some of my favorite TV shows. One of them was My Little Pony. I watched that show over and over again. Who knows why - kids always get hooked on things their parents hate, so my mom must have loathed it. It takes very little of this clip to tell that it's the '80s - Megan's wearing overalls, and check out Nightshade's "rocker" outfit. On this tape full of My Little Pony and its companion show, Glo Friends , there were many commercials. One of them was for Rock and Curl Jem, and I still, still have that stupid jingle memorized. You can do so much with her hair - curl it up, tease it out, or cut it off and tattoo her head with pens and markers. Something I would never consider doing. Another jingle I still can't get out of my head? The Christmas Nestle one. Fact: I've known this jingle for at least 20 years now. They could have...

For most people who have to (or even want to) go somewhere for one reason or another, today is hellish. Those who have been debating, I advise you to just stay home today. Some people are lucky enough to have all of Thanksgiving weekend off. Congratulations - you likely have human working hours, or at least jumped the gun soon enough to be one of your store's two employees with Black Friday off. Huzzah for you! The rest of us are not so lucky. Some are back at the office after a single day to stuff their faces and express thankful thoughts. Many others are back in their stores, after a day (or even less) of pretending to be thankful for something, rather than apprehensive about the dark cloud on the horizon. Others yet didn't even get a single day's respite from the rat race, working through Turkey Day and missing out on the big family dinner. I know that at this point, it's ridiculous of me to ask that you not go shopping, if you have your heart set on it. By all mean...