Deviant Dispatches

Mom (and all others who don't care to read my thoughts on dino sex), steer clear today. There's some weird stuff happening up in here. You all probably remember the terrible romance book covers I've posted in the past. I think those are all lovely in comparison to these over-the-top books. Spousal Unit found these . Christie Sims writes dinosaur erotica.  As in, woman-on-monster lovin'. I'm kind of horrified (but not really surprised) that this exists. There is nothing  sexy, attractive, or even remotely entertaining about interspecies relations when it comes to dinosaurs. Or even gryphons. Even that triceratops - that tiny, unrealistic triceratops - would maul you before he'd buy you flowers and take you dancing. Not cool. I prefer my romance with a little less death and stabbing. There's also the issue of lingerie. If these women are randomly pulled back in time, where they somehow decide that sexy dinosaur time is their only ticket out of there...

I've still been going through old boxes from my days living at home. My recent awesome finds are some old children's books about a cat and various dogs. I read these over and over when I was little, and I think at least one of these came out of my mom's old collection. Peppermint by Dorothy Grider  Peppermint is the runt of a litter born at a candy shop. (Talk about unsanitary.) The shop owner begins selling the kittens for 15 cents a pop, right next to all the lollipops and gumballs, and I bet the parents were pissed. A little girl comes in, sad that she doesn't have a kitten for the upcoming contest, and the shop owner gives her Peppermint. The girl's mother wisely decides the cat needs a bath, and the cat (naturally) freaks out and falls into a tub of bluing right next to the bath. The little girl cries again. And the blue cat named Peppermint wins the contest. Yes, this is from 1966, but who the heck has a tub of bluing next to the kitty bathtub? It...

Fabio! Nothing says lovin' like a cat. Which is why I wasn't at all surprised to find this. Heart Mate by Robin D. Owens Clearly, the cat with the emerald necklace is here to help this poor sucker out. What woman wouldn't fall for a guy with a walking stick, a heart-shaped necklace, and a cat? I mean, if he's got those first two but no cat, that's a deal breaker for me. You know what they say: the cat makes the man. Her Last Fling by Jana Mercy You know what this cover says? The publisher was clearly thinking, "I'm tired of conventional romance covers. None of them ever feature a plastic cow. Why not, I ask you?" Kudos to that guy if any of these books sold. Check out this site for awesome captions to this cover. Let Me Come In by Linda Jones Ah, a clever play on the three little pigs fairy tale here. Very nice - the man in the cover represents the hungry wolf. Except "let me come in" doesn't exactly scream...

The Packers kicked some serious butt last night. Clay Matthews' enormous arms are a bit terrifying, but I'm glad he uses them for a good purpose, like tearing the Bears apart. There was some amazing stuff in that game - mostly defense and special teams related - and I'm glad to leave the previous week's game behind. Hopefully we won't see offense that pathetic for the rest of the season. In news unrelated to that, I have two hilarious things to share with you: some reviews of a book called (and I'm not joking), What are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples?...I Need Them for the Fruit Salad . Worst. Book. Ever. And if you thought that was hilarious, Bic made pens (yes, pens) for women . Because otherwise, women wouldn't use them. The reviews are to die for. Enjoy. I'll be in the Bat Cave, packing books.

When I first ran across this cover, I thought it was a fake title. But no. The Very Virile Viking by Sandra Hill The Very Virile Viking is a real book. By a real romance author, who apparently doesn't care about pretending to be historically accurate anymore; she just wants to get to the good stuff. The first line of this book? "In the days of old when men were... whatever... " I think this review sums it up much better than I could. I especially like the euphemism the reviewer points out: "It was not yet spring, but his sap was running high." Oh myyyyy. Our next awful book title features... Pregnesia by Carla Cassidy ...Okay. No.  I give up on this one. It's too easy. (Just let me say that either this is a condition where you forget how you got pregnant in the first place, or the lady's birthing a planet. Now I'm moving on.) We all know Harlequins are absolute crap. Here are some more wonderful baby-related tal...

The bookstore got an amazing piece of postcard advertising last week for the book Knight Light: The Powerful Story of Virgin Mary's Husband  by Roger L. Bennett. It's an autobiography. Yes, everyone, this means what you think it does. Bennett says he was married to the Virgin Mary. In the '80s. Knight Light  is narrated by star-crossed lovers quaintly identified as HE and SHE. He is the author, fate-appointed Knight on a King's quest. She is the Queen Mother, Virgin Mary in contemporary guise. What they did after their church wedding in 1982 is told in sizzling detail as a Royal romp in the hay. But it wasn't until the Immaculate Conception of 1986 that Roger Bennett's second wife chose to reveal Her eternal self for that ONE night only. That's when his silver seed was gathered for a mysterious purpose known only to Her and (perhaps, perhaps not) to that Black African race God's evolutionary plan determined to be first-in and last-out. ...

Today's post is kind of bizarre because I'm running on very little sleep. Spousal Unit and I got all excited last night in our 80-degree apartment, because we thought the air had finally been turned on. So we closed all the windows and cranked it, but still didn't fall asleep till late (for us). And then we woke up at 3 a.m., realizing that it wasn't AC, but some weird form of cool air that just made it hotter for us. Finally, after camping out in the living room, hanging blankets to block the street light, and opening every single window, we got to sleep. But neither of us had more than a few hours of it. So! Here's a thing I found out about yesterday, about which I'm kinda-sorta interested and kinda-sorta pissed. The Glimpse by Claire Merle   This looks just like every other dystopian young adult book I've seen/read/heard about recently: Girl is young! Girl has a bright future in crappy society that she thinks is pretty fly! Girl is destined t...

I'm here to talk to you about a serious threat to men everywhere: pirate romances. Clearly, someone who went from vikings to pirates for her romance ideas only has worse things in store for men everywhere. Maybe it's the eyepatch that's speaking to me here, but it seems Connie Mason is only waiting for it to become a trend in the bedroom. Then she'll use pirate/viking magic to give them a reason for needing the eyepatch all the time. Also, pirates and vikings? Pretty much the same thing. Alright, so far as we can see, this guy doesn't have an eyepatch. But what the heck are these two doing on the same ship? The Pirate and the Puritan ? That's really the best Howe had in her arsenal: a pirate named El Diablo who is "notoriously sexy"? Sorry, if that was his only pirating skill, I have a feeling he'd be dead. And why is she wearing a tablecloth? Now, ladies and gents, may I present... ...Fabio. Yes, that Fabio. Who wrote three boo...

Today, I was planning to share a conglomeration of terrible western covers with you. Like Deuces and Ladies Wild , by Richard S. Wheeler. The guy with his back turned to the table was clearly just getting up to go to the bathroom. The man shooting everyone else was infuriated that someone would fold just for that reason (he forgot his meds today). The lady on the left is preparing to jump over the gravity-defying chair, and those are no lanterns hanging overhead: they're spaceships, coming down to settle this petty human dispute by subtly brainwashing everyone. (Who knew Cowboys and Aliens dated back to the early '90s?) I also wanted to share one called Buckskin: .52 Caliber Shoot-Out by Kit Dalton. "Caught in a hotbed of gunmen and shady ladies, Morgan cooled things down real fast." Because he's cool. Get it? And apparently any book with a guy getting kicked in the chin by a horse is automatically cooler. Plus, if you feature the same guy on the...

Yesterday I found a book called The Art of Romance , featuring hilarious artwork from old Harlequin and Mills & Boon covers. While searching this morning for the various wonderful covers featured within, I ran across Smart Bitches, Trashy Books , a website devoted to reviewing romance books (and more than occasionally poking fun at the covers). I am an amateur, they are professionals. Check out their wit and snark. Over at The Independent , you can enjoy a little slideshow of old Mills & Boon covers, featuring such gems as Romance Goes Tenting by Phyllis Matthewman. (No double entendre intended, I'm sure.) And what the hell does the clown in the background have to do with this book? I really hope he's just randomly on the cover, otherwise we've got a romantic remake of It on our hands. (Click  that link with caution - it's funny, but there's still a clown.) Another wonderful, awful title is Grace Before Meat by Sara Seale. Not sure I even want to s...

On occasion, old science fiction can easily take the Terrible Book Cover cake. For example, I present the excellent book John Grimes: Tramp Captain by A. Bertram Chandler. What an intelligent, well thought-out title for a great work of futuristic fiction. I'm sure the illustrator was only helping to promote the book's already stand-out intellectual ideas. Why, I'm surprised this one didn't win the National Book Award. HA! Oh, man. I just couldn't get through that whole thing with a straight face. He's the captain of what now? Alright, let me try again. Phule's Paradise by Robert Asprin clearly seeks to change the way sandy-haired surfer dudes and scantily clad young women are portrayed. After all, everyone knows that when faced with a giant green boar-man, the surfer dude will not just turn around and hit the waves. No, he will stand up for what is right by punching the monstrous creature in the tusks with a ridiculous expression on his face. And then the...

Remember back when I posted about those terrible books that people who shop the bookstore's clearance section don't even want? I have some more disgusting surprises for you today. Starting with... Single Dad Seeks a Wife is part of a whole series of books about - surprise - single dads. Apparently this is a niche fantasy out there that is popular enough to warrant an entire collection of ridiculous, unbelievable fantasies about inexplicably rich, handsome men raising kids all by themselves. Because single parenting is such a glamorous lifestyle, right? For example: this installment by Melanie Milburne features a "gorgeous" cop as the single father and a "feisty" Australian doctor as the love interest. The summary says they get together because Feisty Doctor realizes Hot Cop "needs her help." In his pants , I'm sure. Texas Glory's main characters are named Buck Star and Honor. What else do you really need to know? The summary gets better,...

You deserve an introduction here. Or a warning. Or something like that. The book covers that you are about to see are items removed from our clearance section at work. Whenever books need to be clearanced, the older titles are pulled to make room. The spinny display is full of rejected romance and mystery titles; therefore, the ones I pull to make room are the uber-rejects. And they're really, really horrible things. I now present to you the worst book covers I saw last week. I hope you can survive these. Good luck. Lois Greiman's An Accidental Seduction is apparently a really bizarre book. Check out all the Amazon customer comments - apparently, her regular readers think she writes "historical" novels. This book is a Prince and the Pauper situation (you can read it here ), with two women switching places and (surprise!) there's a handsome guy involved. And he apparently tends to not wear a shirt. The book's tagline: "When she submits, heart and body, t...