Tuesday, September 25, 2012

A Letter to My Ex - the NFL

Dear NFL,

Please stop being miserly jackasses and give the real refs what they want, so we can stop watching utter B.S. every week.

I don't blame the replacement refs - I don't think anyone really does. They're doing the best they can with a crappy situation. They have no training for this level of football; it's like being thrown in the deep end and expected to swim. NFL, your replacement refs are drowning in the middle of the Astroturf. Throw them a frickin' life jacket.

As a result of these ridiculous calls that have been made, we now have at least one game whose outcome was called incorrectly. Regardless of which team caught the ball, there should have been a pass interference penalty - which would have won it for the Packers instead of the Seahawks. I'm hereby ignoring the official ruling.

NFL, I've had a long and tumultuous relationship with you in the past. At this point, I almost can't believe I ever loved you. You with your almighty dollar, you with your self-righteous grip on this season. I understand it's hard to admit fault and come down off your high horse, because you're likely to break your fool neck on the dismount. Guess what? Nobody cares. Shut up and get back down here where you belong.

I'm willing to believe that, if things continue like this, the entire season will be laughable. It's not just the players who determine the outcome of the game; it's how the rules are followed. When I was little and played pool with my grandpa, I made up the rules, too - but you're (supposedly) an adult. Put on your big boy pants.

There have been comparisons to "substitute-teacher syndrome," with players pushing the bounds while the refs who don't know what they're doing are in charge. We've seen a lack of sportsmanship, increased arguments on the field, and overall disintegration of a great game - after all, if no one's going to yell at you, why not go for it? If you let the kids play in the street, it's only a matter of time until they get hit by a car - and now it's happened. I hope you're happy.

NFL, the kids are getting into more trouble, and you're to blame. If you don't put the rules and the refs back into the game, they're going to keep fighting, events will go misreported, they'll get into hard drugs, and next thing you know, the players are all strung out on a street corner, waiting with misguided hope for the NFL pimp daddy to come along and rescue them from a life of unsportsmanlike conduct.

Save this sport before it gets to that point. Give the refs what they want, and give us our damn game back.

With complete lack of respect for your parenting skills,

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