Wednesday, July 20, 2011

A Letter to the Heat

Dear Obnoxious Heat Wave,

Nobody likes you, everybody hates you, you should eat some worms. Except don't, because then it will rain fried worms on everyone's heads.

Really, there is only so much heat we humans can take. Another day in the upper 90s? And tomorrow, too? This is fairly ridiculous. It's cooler in Panama City right now. It's cooler in the Everglades.

The one place it's not cooler is in Ohio. Which is where we're going this weekend. They have a high of 105 tomorrow.

Obnoxious Heat Wave, you are too large for your own good, and too angry. Bring that hot temper down a couple of notches. I bet you'd feel much better if you just sat on someone's front porch in a nice rocking chair, had a frosty glass of lemonade, and listened to an episode of A Prairie Home Companion. Only problem is you would evaporate the lemonade before ingesting it, and then the air would literally be sticky.

For comparison, try hiding yourself in someone's freezer for a whole day. Don't like it much, do you? Little frostbite on your tendrils of heat? I'm petitioning you, on behalf of friends who have to go galavanting about in this heat, earning something called "money," to take a lesson from the freezer and slow your particles down a bit.

Heat Wave (if I can get personal), what's your problem, really? I can't imagine you're like this all the time. Were you perhaps just inches away from a cold bowl of watermelon sorbet when some unthinking child whisked it indoors and away from you? Did that incident send you on a lifelong quest to bring heat and exhaustion to all, just because you couldn't have that delicious sorbet?

Perhaps you were waterskiing and lost your balance. You skidded across the surface, creating a fine mist in the air and bruising your hot little butt. Your companions laughed at your predicament, and to get back at them, you hung fiercely over the lake to force mist and misery into the air, until you felt revenge had been served. Boiling hot, with the help of little demons pulled up from cracks in the earth's crust.

Maybe it had nothing to do with others, but yourself. While meditating one day, you realized how pointless it was to maintain an average temperature because, hey, global warming's coming our way anyhow. Might as well start on the new tropical rainforest of Wisconsin as soon as possible.

The only way I'm okay with this is if I get a monkey. Don't care what kind. And I'm still waiting.

Really, Obnoxious Heat Wave, you need to get over it. At this point, the sorbet has already been eaten. Your waterskiing frenemies have gone indoors to hide from you. And the name change hasn't done you any favors. Couldn't you go back to being glorious Summer once more?

It is the name of your true self; you've only forgotten.

Sincerely,
With lots of tolerance and a bottle of water,
Allison

P.S. Again, don't care what kind of monkey, as long as it comes soon. (But this guy's my favorite right now.)

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