Friday, July 22, 2011

Hyperbolic Sarcasm Will Save Us

I'm writing to you from the future, and the future is Toledo.

Be afraid.

It's an hour ahead here, and it was plain to see why the moment we pulled off the exit ramp and into our
Days Inn parking lot.
Looks very promising, doesn't it? At the least, the building shape seems to suggest a unique establishment bristling with interest.

Well, kinda.

We were astounded from the start. It's clear that this hotel sees routine maintenance. Why, even when we checked in, they were sending maintenance folk hither and yon on a mission to repair various AC units. Understandable, as there's a high of 98 today, and on the bright side, we were upgraded to a suite for free because our room's AC was also out.

In the hallway, I noticed several large, grey bells - the round ones you typically see in old cartoons, or in boxing matches. *DING* "In this corner, we have..." All I could think when I saw them was, it would really suck to hear that go off tonight.

In the room, we were further amazed at the routine maintenance in this place. Why, we immediately placed a call for the fridge to be repaired - and, as it turns out, one of the two bathrooms could use it, too. There's even plaster dust in an artistic little pile where the internet was drilled into the wall.

They've tried a bit too hard to furnish the hallways - they are filled with pleather couches, which don't really match the Asian decor. Nor do the various brownish water stains on the ceiling, peeling away from the foundation at the edges, screaming, "I never wanted to be part of this!"

We even have classy neighbors. We discovered an incredible smell on our way in - something rather skunk-like, usually smelled in a college setting.

At that point, we didn't think we could be any more amazed at our astonishing luck with this hotel. But the Miami Grille downstairs certainly took it up a notch. The booths were partitioned with faceted glass, through which the sun shone quite beautifully. The air was cool...er than the third floor hallway, thanks to an industrial-sized metal fan, whirring contentedly on a table in the bar area. The menu was a single sheet of paper, obviously well loved, with items which really suited the name of the estabishment.

Things like... hamburgers. And cheeseburgers. I am quite curious to know why their fries are more expensive than the $2.50 grilled cheese.

There are some well-to-do people staying here as well, with very nice vehicles. Honestly, you wouldn't believe me if I were to describe the car we saw, covered with portraits of "family" members (possibly incarcerated) and a spectacle of neon glory. There's more to it, but I think I'll just have to post a picture once I'm sure we won't be shot for it.

Remember those big grey bells that serve as an alarm system? Why yes, we did have the pleasure of hearing them go off. They were rather quiet. So quiet that if we were all sleeping soundly at that point, we may not have heard them. As it was, no one was seen filing out of the hotel, so we just waited a few seconds until the ringing stopped, then went back to waiting for the room to cool down, as the AC wasn't on when we arrived.

Overall, a very... exciting experience so far. I'll see you on Monday if we don't get caught in the middle of a gang war before then.

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