A Letter to the Internets

IN UR REALITY 

Dear Internet,

I'm really tired of you playing hard to get.

You've gotten predictable that way. In the mornings, you're like, "Yeah, I'm for realz here for u!" and then in the evening, your tune has changed to, "Well, I dunno."

At least learn some grammar if you're going to start hating on me. I will not hesitate to bitch-slap you with a dictionary. The Oxford English Dictionary. All 20 volumes.

I don't know what to do with you anymore. Yes, I'm still interested in pursuing this. But every time you get flaky on me, you start talking about "commitment" and "contracts" and "installation fees." Hell, commitment is expensive. You think I want that?

Your little game of cat and laser pointer has gotten old. I know what you're trying to do: you want me to finally admit how much I need you and give in to my anger. You want me to turn to the Dark Side and hope I'll sign my life away to you, resulting in long-term indebtedness, relinquishment of our first born, and the implosion of my home planet.

Okay, maybe it wouldn't be that bad. But we're talking about commitment, here. Scary stuff.

Maybe I'd be less afraid of committing if I knew you weren't going to turn and run at the first sign of construction equipment outside, or at the first sign of absolutely nothing at all. Plus, I'm not all that interested in the way your little signal tower is always flashing anyone in the room.

You could at least keep it in your pants.

Sincerely,
Your potential "hook-up,"
Allison

P.S. If I had cats, they probably wouldn't like you either.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sally Anns and a Can of Spam

Image
Sally Anns are one of my favorite cookies. By their taste alone, they evoke a sense of home and comfort, reminding me of the kitchen at my grandparents' place and the simple happiness of mid-afternoon sweets. They're the only food that evokes the thought, This would be better with a cup of coffee. Making them was a good Easter activity, especially as I was stuck away from the family due to unpacking (the books are now free!) and yard work shenanigans (such as finding a dead mouse in the yard, which was lovely). With help from my mom, I found the recipe in the family cookbook (my great-great-grandparents are on the cover, and other awesome old pictures are scattered throughout). I decided that the transgression of buying a can of Spam (just once) was worth it for the sake of the cookies. Poke holes in the bottom of the can to allow for air flow. I didn't have enough butter for a full batch, but half of one made 18 Cookies of Unusual Size. I made the mistake of
Read more

Leavetaking by Eve Merriam

Image
Vacation is over; It's time to depart. I must leave behind (Although it breaks my heart) Tadpoles in the pond, A can of eels, A leaky rowboat, Abandoned car wheels; For I'm packing only Necessities: A month of sunsets And two apple trees. I'm packing today. What are you doing?
Read more

The Beatles' Help! Scarf

Image
Remember when I posted about making Beatles-themed crafts after seeing Cirque du Soleil's performance of Love? I've finished the first one. Here's a refresher of the original Help! scarf. Source And here's my version: a massive thing that I gave my sister for her birthday. In these shots, it's wrapped around her neck twice. I didn't measure the beast before I sent it to its new home, but it's probably about 8 feet long. Made with Caron yarn on size 8 needles, this tube scarf was 40 stitches in the round. Each block of color is 20 rows. The only tricky parts are getting a smooth transition between colors and what to do with the yarn ends inside the tube, but they are easy problems to solve. When you transitioning, knit a normal row with the new color, then pull tight the last stitch of the previous color. That last stitch shouldn't disappear entirely, but it will be close, and your problem will be solved. Then, because this scarf
Read more