Friday, March 9, 2012

Indiana Shoe and the Last Nerve

I hate shoe shopping.

In that, I'm rather unlike many of my friends. I don't care to have a lot of cute shoes, so long as they don't make me want to die when I wear them. I hate having to go out into the wild world of department stores and boxes of misery and people trying to clothe their feet (which are the second worst thing; armpits are the first).

But sometimes it's a necessity. All I need is a good pair of walking shoes, so I can get to work without totally destroying my back. Here's what I found instead yesterday.

Kohl's (slogan: now that's more like shit) is a nightmare to shop. I had to work for them in college; why would I have thought otherwise? Yes, sometimes they have good sales. But is it worth trading your eternal soul for? Their aisles are a claustrophobic nightmare, like walking into a cave that gets deeper and darker, and who knows if you'll ever see the light of day again, and here comes a giant Indiana-Jones boulder, so your only choice is to run away as fast as you can so the other customer can push through with that obnoxious cart.

I may or may not have seen bats. (And by that, I mean I didn't, but it wouldn't have surprised me.)

They don't even have a section labeled "women's walking shoes." Instead, they have running and toning. What the ungodly hell are toning shoes, you might ask? They're designed to make you feel like you're on stilts rather than shoes, with a peg of some sort poking up into your heel. Also, they work specific muscle groups while you wear them. Doesn't walking give you enough exercise? I just want to get to work, with a reasonably small amount of death in my back.

I was terribly confused by this, already itching to leave, and hadn't even found the women's walking shoes yet. Here's what I found in the men's section:
  • Running
  • Trail running
  • Basketball (Thanks for making me think of armpits, guys.)
  • Fashion athletic
  • Athletic sandals. (Get over yourselves; they're effing sandals.)
I understand the common but idiotic perception that men exercise more than women do, and should therefore receive more attention in the athletic department. But do they really need a specific section for trail running shoes rather than women's walking shoes?

By the time I found them (against the wall, unlabeled, and only two pairs in my gargantuan size that weren't Nikes, which I refuse to buy), I was ready to strangle someone.

And then I did.

Just kidding. I left instead. And went to two more stores, one of which asked me if there was a difference between walking and running shoes (that was Dick's). The other had no tennis shoes at all (that was Target).

At the end of the day, I went home with nothing. My conclusion to all of this is that junkies and winos need to stop leaving needles and broken glass all over, because I just want to go barefoot.

Junkies and winos: thanks in advance for the extra effort.

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