Thursday, March 15, 2012

Books I Don't Want: Of Pirates and Pears

I'm here to talk to you about a serious threat to men everywhere: pirate romances.

Clearly, someone who went from vikings to pirates for her romance ideas only has worse things in store for men everywhere. Maybe it's the eyepatch that's speaking to me here, but it seems Connie Mason is only waiting for it to become a trend in the bedroom. Then she'll use pirate/viking magic to give them a reason for needing the eyepatch all the time.

Also, pirates and vikings? Pretty much the same thing.

Alright, so far as we can see, this guy doesn't have an eyepatch. But what the heck are these two doing on the same ship? The Pirate and the Puritan? That's really the best Howe had in her arsenal: a pirate named El Diablo who is "notoriously sexy"? Sorry, if that was his only pirating skill, I have a feeling he'd be dead. And why is she wearing a tablecloth?

Now, ladies and gents, may I present...

...Fabio. Yes, that Fabio. Who wrote three books with the same title. Though apparently, rogues wear more clothing than either vikings or pirates. Must be out of concern for their sterling reputations. The pirate version of Fabio, we can see, does not need a sword, unlike the others. Rippling abs are the only weapons he needs; his astoundingly massive pecs help to hypnotize his victims into surrender. The viking's armbands are there to keep his biceps from exploding. Seriously, it just looks like he took an air pump to them and they might pop at a needle's touch.

The pirate's huge belt buckle says all we need to know about the rest of him. (Hint: it's another version of having a really big truck.)

And last but not least... The Pirate Bride.

Yes, men everywhere beware. No man could hold her... because she would rather shoot him first. The title has me a bit confused too - is she being wed to a pirate, or is she the pirate? Regardless, who the hell wears a corset on a pirate ship? You know the second you climb on board that you'll need to run or climb or do something... um, strenuous... at some point in the voyage. Let this be a lesson, ladies: if you're going pirating, leave the corset at home.

I'd like to direct you now to this lady's necklace, and everything above it. Have you ever seen anything more terribly photoshopped in your life? So much bronzer! So many unnatural angles! But I forgot: we haven't been going for the "natural" look in at least 50 years.

"Natural" is the new magic, unfortunately: nonexistent, according to advertizers.

1 comment:

  1. I bet Fabio works for WWF and they call him something like "The Pirate" My personal theory the girl above suffer from jittery spasms and that is why no man can hold her.


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