A Letter to My Inbox

Dear Gmail Inbox,

I have been oh so patient these last two weeks, like a crabby child awaiting his or her favorite dessert of chocolate cake after a long, hot day.

Okay, I guess a kid waiting for that would be less patient and more stabby, but still, I've been patient. Today marks two full weeks of job hunting, and I'd like to see some real Siegfried and Roy-esque results now. So Inbox, you'd better start jumping through flaming hoops pretty soon.

Some responses to the dozen or so applications I have out in the world might be nice. Do you know, Inbox, how hard I've worked on these applications? I've gently tailored my resume for each one. I've written terrible cover letters from scratch, lauding my myriad talents in ways that make me sound inhuman. And in the meantime, I've even carefully purged the old emails from you.

(Do you know how much some of those emails stank? Didn't even smell as pleasant as the Justin Bieber perfume, and calling that stuff even remotely pleasant is a stretch. Just between us, you really ought to bathe more often, Inbox.)

Anyway. I've been desperately clinging to my willpower the last several weeks. Willpower to resist going to you ten times a day in search of new emails, only to find you strangely empty and silent. It made me wonder what went wrong in our relationship - I've been the one constant, so you must be at fault. I'm beginning to resent the evil power you hold over my head, Inbox, and I realize now exactly what you are: you are the cat, I am the mouse, and you are in league with Cthulhu.

I knew my previous business arrangement with that tentacled terror would not end well, but little did I suspect he'd use something like you to exact his apocalyptic revenge. I thought it would maybe involve a lack of ice cream cake last Saturday, on Avatar Day. Possibly a crucial stitch ignored in my recent knitting. Perhaps accidentally getting sucked into an impenetrable vortex of rush-hour traffic in a new city I don't yet comprehend.

Wait, that one happened. This is too much to handle.

Inbox, for you to have teamed up with him means the shattering of all my dreams: dreams of you being the bearer of all good things, the conqueror of negative thought, the bold hero of my dramatic job search. How could you let me down this way?

I shall continue to check in with you, despite your evil leanings, because humans need sustenance and therefore a means to acquire it. Unless you deliver a sweet message to me soon, though, I'll have to consider you lost to Cthulhu's dark side.

But I know there is good in you.

Sincerely,
Your former caretaker and now excommunicated lackey,
Allison

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sally Anns and a Can of Spam

Image
Sally Anns are one of my favorite cookies. By their taste alone, they evoke a sense of home and comfort, reminding me of the kitchen at my grandparents' place and the simple happiness of mid-afternoon sweets. They're the only food that evokes the thought, This would be better with a cup of coffee. Making them was a good Easter activity, especially as I was stuck away from the family due to unpacking (the books are now free!) and yard work shenanigans (such as finding a dead mouse in the yard, which was lovely). With help from my mom, I found the recipe in the family cookbook (my great-great-grandparents are on the cover, and other awesome old pictures are scattered throughout). I decided that the transgression of buying a can of Spam (just once) was worth it for the sake of the cookies. Poke holes in the bottom of the can to allow for air flow. I didn't have enough butter for a full batch, but half of one made 18 Cookies of Unusual Size. I made the mistake of
Read more

The Beatles' Help! Scarf

Image
Remember when I posted about making Beatles-themed crafts after seeing Cirque du Soleil's performance of Love? I've finished the first one. Here's a refresher of the original Help! scarf. Source And here's my version: a massive thing that I gave my sister for her birthday. In these shots, it's wrapped around her neck twice. I didn't measure the beast before I sent it to its new home, but it's probably about 8 feet long. Made with Caron yarn on size 8 needles, this tube scarf was 40 stitches in the round. Each block of color is 20 rows. The only tricky parts are getting a smooth transition between colors and what to do with the yarn ends inside the tube, but they are easy problems to solve. When you transitioning, knit a normal row with the new color, then pull tight the last stitch of the previous color. That last stitch shouldn't disappear entirely, but it will be close, and your problem will be solved. Then, because this scarf
Read more

Data in Social Science

The science aspect of social science work is central to improving social systems. Data inform whether we are moving in the right direction or need to adjust our course. However, data and science must not be the center of our work; we must keep focus on children, families, and individuals, whose experiences are nuanced and filtered through systems that hold innate bias, which rests within the data . By maintaining awareness of these biases and their potential, we can keep people at the center of our work and focus on the true causes of injustice and pain that many families deal with. Lack of awareness can be a slippery slope to believing that individuals or families are themselves at fault for their situations, be it lack of housing, interpersonal violence, or other abuse. With data that are conscious of systemic issues and biases, we can examine the true issues at hand, such as racism , financial instability, and ableist policies.  What good are any manner of properly applied scientifi
Read more