A Letter to the Cats

Dear cats,

Look at you there, pretending you're adorable when you're unconscious and cuddling with a knitted GIR.


I am not fooled.

Yes, your cuteness abounds. Your fuzzy faces are sweet, and you are so fun to watch when you play. But you have much to learn, young Jedi. Fear leads to hate, hate leads to anger, and excessive meowing leads to suffering on my part. Just listen to you.


On this occasion, it was rather cute, to hear you beg and beg as I prepared your dinner - Titania, you are an especially skilled biped. But lately, both of you - yes, even Oberon - have taken to whining whenever I'm in the kitchen, regardless of how recently you've been fed.

The kitchen has people-food, too. Get used to it.

I know you'll probably get over your obsessive nature in time, once you realize that we will always feed you when it's time, give you treats on a daily basis, and rub your bellies when you're drowsy enough to like it. In the meantime, our neighbors are going to think we're beating you with hammers. You are so whiny. 

Titania, you're an especially guilty party. Yesterday, you whined at me the entire time I made chocolate chip cookies. After you'd had your dinner. Your vocalizations of misery resounded with such pain and despair, a casual listener might think we were torturing you.


I promise, we will feed you. Always.

Now be quiet.

Sincerely,
Your food-human and loving servant,
Allison

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sally Anns and a Can of Spam

Image
Sally Anns are one of my favorite cookies. By their taste alone, they evoke a sense of home and comfort, reminding me of the kitchen at my grandparents' place and the simple happiness of mid-afternoon sweets. They're the only food that evokes the thought, This would be better with a cup of coffee. Making them was a good Easter activity, especially as I was stuck away from the family due to unpacking (the books are now free!) and yard work shenanigans (such as finding a dead mouse in the yard, which was lovely). With help from my mom, I found the recipe in the family cookbook (my great-great-grandparents are on the cover, and other awesome old pictures are scattered throughout). I decided that the transgression of buying a can of Spam (just once) was worth it for the sake of the cookies. Poke holes in the bottom of the can to allow for air flow. I didn't have enough butter for a full batch, but half of one made 18 Cookies of Unusual Size. I made the mistake of...
Read more

The Beatles' Help! Scarf

Image
Remember when I posted about making Beatles-themed crafts after seeing Cirque du Soleil's performance of Love? I've finished the first one. Here's a refresher of the original Help! scarf. Source And here's my version: a massive thing that I gave my sister for her birthday. In these shots, it's wrapped around her neck twice. I didn't measure the beast before I sent it to its new home, but it's probably about 8 feet long. Made with Caron yarn on size 8 needles, this tube scarf was 40 stitches in the round. Each block of color is 20 rows. The only tricky parts are getting a smooth transition between colors and what to do with the yarn ends inside the tube, but they are easy problems to solve. When you transitioning, knit a normal row with the new color, then pull tight the last stitch of the previous color. That last stitch shouldn't disappear entirely, but it will be close, and your problem will be solved. Then, because this scarf ...
Read more

Leavetaking by Eve Merriam

Image
Vacation is over; It's time to depart. I must leave behind (Although it breaks my heart) Tadpoles in the pond, A can of eels, A leaky rowboat, Abandoned car wheels; For I'm packing only Necessities: A month of sunsets And two apple trees. I'm packing today. What are you doing?
Read more