Monday, January 21, 2013

A Letter to the Cats

Dear cats,

Look at you there, pretending you're adorable when you're unconscious and cuddling with a knitted GIR.

I am not fooled.

Yes, your cuteness abounds. Your fuzzy faces are sweet, and you are so fun to watch when you play. But you have much to learn, young Jedi. Fear leads to hate, hate leads to anger, and excessive meowing leads to suffering on my part. Just listen to you.

On this occasion, it was rather cute, to hear you beg and beg as I prepared your dinner - Titania, you are an especially skilled biped. But lately, both of you - yes, even Oberon - have taken to whining whenever I'm in the kitchen, regardless of how recently you've been fed.

The kitchen has people-food, too. Get used to it.

I know you'll probably get over your obsessive nature in time, once you realize that we will always feed you when it's time, give you treats on a daily basis, and rub your bellies when you're drowsy enough to like it. In the meantime, our neighbors are going to think we're beating you with hammers. You are so whiny. 

Titania, you're an especially guilty party. Yesterday, you whined at me the entire time I made chocolate chip cookies. After you'd had your dinner. Your vocalizations of misery resounded with such pain and despair, a casual listener might think we were torturing you.

I promise, we will feed you. Always.

Now be quiet.

Your food-human and loving servant,

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