Monday, May 28, 2012

Prime Time Lineup: Now with More Awesome


Hi all!  Spousal Unit here; Wifal Unit is taking the day off so you'll have to suffer through my musings instead.  I thought I’d start with a little television entertainment, which is odd because Wifal Unit and I hardly watch any.  What we have done is thought about shows that we would watch, and with the help of some friends, I have prepared the ultimate prime-time lineup. 

6:00 “Craziest Pet Grooming” Starring Alec Baldwin and Will Arnett
This would be a reality show.  An amazing reality show.  Imagine these two guys traveling the world, finding the most outlandish grooming styles (probably for dogs of rich people), and critiquing them.  If your imagination is having trouble coping with that much awesome, here’s a fake movie trailer made from scenes of them in 30 Rock.



Now picture them with a 30 minute show.  I like to think that at least once per episode, they’d get into a growling contest with an animal/each other.  And if that doesn’t rev your engine, you can replace Alec Baldwin and Will Arnett with Adam West and William Shatner.  Also, the season finale would have to be an episode where they meet their match: Edward James Olmos (it says a lot about you whether you remember him as Justice Mendoza on "The West Wing" or as Admiral Adama on "Battlestar Galactica").

6:30 “James Spader Explains Things”
I don’t think any elaboration is required for this show, but we’ll try it anyway.  20 minutes of Mr. Spader, at a place, explaining a topic to the audience. 


One week he could sit behind a desk, another he could be wearing jeans and sitting on a couch, and maybe they could do an episode on a beach.  In a speedo.  That could be a Mother’s Day episode.  Some topics might include: “Sports,” “The Rotation of the Moon,” “Bah Mitzvas,” and “When to use ‘Whom’.”

As good as those shows would be, they’re just the opening act.  Now that you’re good and primed, the piece de resistance:

7:00 “H. Jon Benjamin and Patrick Warburton Yell at Each Other”
Instant. Emmy.  Archer and Krunk; Coach McGuirk and The Tick.  These might be two of the greatest voice actors of all time (Vincent Price would be up there as well).  All that would be needed for this show is crappy animation, and lots of dialogue.  Seriously, picture this:

“How was your day, sweety?”

“Fine, how was yours?”

“Wow, do you actually care or are you just going through the motions?”

“Funny, I thought that’s what you’ve been doing since the honeymoon.”

Kind of a stupid exchange, right?  Wrong.  These two could announce a golf tournament and make it exciting.  This is such a great idea, I can’t believe that no one has pitched it to Cartoon Network yet.  Maybe they have, but until they get their own show, chew on this:  Patrick Warburton is going to be in season 3 of Archer.  We’ll get a preview of the divine magnificence of the two greatest living comedic voice actors.

For magnificence, click here or here.

Now that the finale has passed, and the people with more straight and narrow senses of humor have gone to bed, or wherever they go at 7:30 on Thursday evenings, the real oddball show can come out.

7:30 “Terry Tate: Office Linebacker”
There are several commercials from years ago about Terry Tate.  They’re marvelous.  Here, watch them.  In case you skipped the link and are unfamiliar with the genius of Terry Tate, the idea is this: an NFL linebacker (or maybe an NCAA linebacker who didn’t go pro) gets hired to enforce rules around the office.  Things like refilling the coffee pot, and putting covers on your TPS reports.  This premise could sustain a 60 minute show every week without getting old.  Especially when they throw in things like rookie competition, coaching/management changes, board meetings, and company picnics.  I’d love to write the episode where he referees the company kickball game. 

Well, that was my first post!  I hope you enjoyed it.  And as a preview of my next post (whenever Wifal Unit needs another day off), listen to this awesome song.

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