Friday, May 11, 2012

A Letter to AARP

Dear AARP,

You really have a knack for pissing people off, don't you?

Take me for example. I am only 27, which (last I checked) really isn't that close to 50. I am young, I have a whole lotta life ahead of me before I get to retire and move to a quiet cottage by a lake, where I will spend my days writing, spontaneously dancing on the deck with Spousal Unit, and jetting off to awesome vacations whenever I feel like it.

AARP, you and your membership card are spoiling my daydreams. Also, right now, I'm not at all looking forward to my next birthday. Jerks.

According to the letter you sent me, I can get a free AARP Insulated Travel Bag. Tell me, if I send this letter back to you without payment, but with a copy of my birth certificate, do I get the bag for free? (I really ought to.) If you have AARP The Magazine (for those lengthy bathroom visits), I hope you also have AARP The T-Shirt (for bingo night), AARP The Lunch Box (for those days when you get lost in the mall), and AARP The Cane (great for shaking at those dang kids on your lawn).

I realize you probably have a computer-generated program that sends out these letters. Let me tell ya, it's broken and has been for years - it's time to add a human element. Around the year 2000, my ten-year-old sister got a letter from you. She was ten, not 100.

You're the one who's apparently old enough for your own services, AARP - not me.

A young whipper snapper,

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