Soon, you will be here. I'm shaking off last week's madness in anticipation, so that my current Scrooge-like mentality doesn't sully your glory. I'm also shaking off the Christmas trees that were out in August and pretending they never happened. Now is the winter of our holiday cheer, and I am prepared to enjoy it to the full.
December, do you see the lengths I go to just to enjoy the soft glow of the first snowfall, the first decoration I put up at home, the perfect cup of hot chocolate after the tree is in full glory? I'm ready. But are you ready for me?
I ask that you prepare yourself as well. You know how I like it, December: joy and laughter, carols in the streets, an extra batch of cookies for someone who could use them. But this season could easily swing the other way, as it does for so many people, and become a time for grouches, Grinches, and grimacing. December, I'm asking you: don't be like that.
I know how it be. Sometimes, the squid hits the fan. It's the law of nature. But idle down, December. If you want people to enjoy you, you have to be enjoyable, not a frigid beast. Here are some suggestions:
1. Instead of dropping to -40 degrees the one day I don't have time to dry my hair before work, the least you could do is not place an ice patch directly under my car. You haven't done this yet, and I expect you to keep holding up your end of the deal.
2. Let's try to get some snow on the ground before Christmas this year, huh? I know that in Wisconsin, this isn't usually a problem for you, but I just want to make sure. This is my first holiday season back in the Midwest, and I want the full experience. Don't be a slacker.
3. I'm hoping to have a cookie exchange. Please just freakin' cooperate with me on schedules, already. I don't want this to be pushed off until January, and neither does January. December, I think you can handle one more teensy little event.
So. You try hard not to fling around deadly snowstorms with a flurry of snooty shoppers, and I will shake off the soot of retail and let the joy shine through. I think I'm being pretty reasonable, so think twice before pouting at me. We have quite a few more years of this ahead of us, so we should make the best of it and enjoy some holiday cheer together.
Or else I'll sick July on you, and I don't think you want that.
Your seasonally jolly cheermaker,