So many questions like that all at once can be a good thing. They can lead to big changes in a person's life. But I reached the point where I started to feel muddled and weighed down by them all. It was just depressing, and I felt caught in a spiral of doubt and negativity - one might call it a sneaky hate spiral. So yesterday I ventured down to the lake, to a spot that had a plethora of small rocks at the shoreline, and began to skip them.
In college, I started that practice after watching the movie Amelie. Rock skipping is one of her pastimes, and it had been a long time since I'd done it. I found that each time I went, I felt lighter. It was a chance to be alone for a while - one bit of calm in the midst of my crazy life.
That practice stopped while I was in New Mexico. Bodies of water are not exactly plentiful there, and the one nearby lake was not pleasant to look at. Now that I have a beautiful lake in walking distance, I intent to take advantage of it.
As I stood on the shoreline, I pondered all the worries I've been having. I made peace with them, and for each time I did, I sent a rock over the water. With each rock went part of my anguish. Below are some of the things that went through my mind. I hope that, slightly modified, they can be a comfort to some of my readers, too.
It's okay to doubt myself. Self-doubt leads to self-examination and helps me analyze the things I do and don't like about who I am, which can lead to positive change. So long as I am reinventing myself for the better, doubt is an acceptable feeling.
It's okay to reinvent myself. Every day is a chance to be different, and sometimes, I may decide the new person du jour has admirable qualities. It's like a tune-up on my heart and mind. So long as I am changing to become my personal ideal, tweaking odds and ends in myself is a good thing.
It's okay to fear change. Fear and dislike of new things make me remember what was so great about the way things were. They make me cherish the past and keep old friends close to my heart. It's a natural, biological instinct to fear change, and that's okay - so long as I stand and face that fear instead of running from it. Soon enough, the new will be old and life will be less scary.
It's okay to question the future. Everything is always uncertain, and that's part of life. Not many know where they want to go; not many could have said, five years ago, where they'd end up. Even if I don't solve the big mysteries, like what I want to be or if I want kids, these questions and worries about the future are okay. So long as they help me answer some of the important questions in my life.
It's okay to want more. More experiences, more knowledge, more dreams - hell, even more yarn. Desire is human. Sometimes, we're not fully satisfied with what we have, and that dissatisfaction pushes us beyond ourselves. It makes us grow wings when others had convinced us flight was impossible. So long as it doesn't just linger in the heart and become a festering discomfort, so long as these desires lead to improving myself and those around me, it is okay to go, seek, do, become.