Thursday, October 20, 2011

From Traditional to Modern to Wonky

Has anyone else found traditional wedding gifts to be kind of ridiculous? You know the ones: you're supposed to give tin or aluminum for the tenth anniversary, silver for the 25th anniversary, and so on.

Because nothing says "Happy tenth anniversary" like a tin cup or aluminum can.

To a certain degree, these gifts make sense. Paper for the first year: so the couple can finally finish writing their wedding thank-yous (ahem note to self), and it's cheap for them to give to each other. But there's some bizarre stuff on that traditional list - I know they vary sometimes, but I'm going off of the one I found here.

Honestly, no joking: the 32nd anniversary gift is conveyances. Like bicycles and automobiles. I guess that's why it's the 32nd anniversary and not the 52nd, because they might have needed to add wheelchairs to the list at that point.

The modernly devised anniversary gifts aren't much better. Rather than paper, that list starts out with clocks. Because if couples just starting out need anything, it's a way to tell how much freakin' time they've spent together and how long until forever is up. (You all know I'm hyperbolizing, right? Okay. Just checking.)

So. Here's my re-designed list of anniversary presents for couples to give each other, or for their friends to give them.

1st Anniversary: Shoelaces
No one can afford anything at this point. They're lucky to have enough soap in the bathroom and a landlord who doesn't ring their doorbell at 7 a.m. the day rent is due. Shoelaces are cheap and versatile. Yes, you can use them to tie shoes, but they're also a great Christmas decoration, if you drape them prettily and dye them with Kool-Aid. They can be used to tie up all the cords to the video game console SOMEONE keeps playing. They can also help you learn various knots, such as a hangman's noose...

2nd Anniversary: Coconut
Traditionally, cotton is given. The modern list advises china. Clearly, these both have the letter C in common. Coconut beats the pants off of those gifts because it has two Cs in it. I hate coconut, and so does Spousal Unit. We're skipping this anniversary and going straight to...

3rd Anniversary: Bacon
Traditionally, leather is given. The modern list suggests crystal or glass. I'm leaning toward the traditional one in that bacon is also a dead animal, but I want the humanely raised and slaughtered, never-fed-antibiotics Applegate Farms bacon. So far, this is totally the best anniversary. (But if you really love each other, this will be given every year. Maybe every week.)

4th Anniversary: Air Guitar
The traditional gift here is fruit or flowers. What a lame-ass gift idea. That's what you give for Mother's Day or for Christmas when you can't be bothered to buy a real gift for someone. Modern gifts are appliances. Spousal Unit jump-started this one and got me a blender for my 25th birthday, which I promptly (accidentally) broke. I think we can all agree an hour playing air guitar with your loved one is way more exciting than apples or blenders. Or even apples in blenders.

5th Anniversary: Liquor
Traditionally, this is the wooden anniversary, and non-traditionally, you get silverware. Liquor will be a much more practical gift, because you've got at least five more years ahead of you with this person. Drink up and get used to it.

That's the furthest I care to look ahead right now, because for our fifth anniversary, Spousal Unit and I will be 32 years old. That is impossibly ancient in my eyes right now. I kind of want to go back in time and slap my ten-year-old self for thinking 20 was ancient. Eugh, that's seven years behind me.

Maybe I'll get a jump-start on the fifth anniversary gift.


  1. Agreed: Traditional wedding gifts are ridiculous. Of course, this is part of the reason why I like them so much. Generally The Boy and I try to come up with the weirdest, most untraditional (yet still at least vaguely useful) gift we can come up with under the year's theme. It's fun to stretch the imagination.

    This year, for example, was our fourth anniversary. I gave The Boy Fruit of the Loom boxers to follow the fruit/flowers theme. Good times.

  2. Nice! Good use of the bizarre.

  3. 32 is ancient huh? Thanks a lot!
    : P

  4. The idea of me being that old is. Other people being that age or older doesn't seem ancient. I always forget that you're older than me! In my head we're the same age. :)


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