Deviant Dispatches

For as long as I can remember, Snoopy has been my favorite thing in the world. The little snow globe on the left has been my writing inspiration since... pretty much always. When I'm having trouble with words, looking at it helps somehow. On the right is my present from Spousal Unit this Christmas: a perpetual Snoopy calendar that says, "Happiness is a new day." I love my little Snoopy collection. Why is he my favorite? Well, he can do pretty much everything. He's a writer. He's a scout leader - a beagle scout, if you will. He's the Easter beagle. He's a World War I flying ace, chasing down the Red Baron. He's always cool. And, of course, he can dance like nobody's watching - everyone else is just pretending. I try to be like Snoopy all the time. Sometimes it's hard, because (let's face it) Snoopy just has a lot more experience than I do at being everything he wants, all the time. But he...

Work was hell yesterday. Not only is there a ridiculous after-Christmas sale going on, but everyone decided yesterday afternoon was a good time to get rid of their possessions. The buying area had mounds of books waiting to be purchased by the store, and sellers had to wait 45 minues before anyone could get to their stuff. Insanity, I tell you. On top of that, the most ridiculous questions kept coming in. For example: "Where is your true fiction section?" "I'm looking for a book about the history of cameras. It's orange. Do you know where it might be?" "Do you have [popular book that's only been out for two days, which is certainly not at a used bookstore already]?" The phones aren't working right, either, so by the end of the day, I was wiped. Spousal Unit didn't have to fight very hard to talk me into the Market Street Diner . We checked their menu to be sure they had veggie options, and to our surprise, they had many good ...

One picture from our family Christmas expresses everything better than words ever could. I forgot to bring my camera with for Christmas, and no one could figure out the timer on the others. So we took this picture with an iPhone, which was precariously balanced on its side between coasters. After three attempts to make it stay in place rather than tipping forward mid-timer, we gave up and went with it on the last shot, quickly crouching into place so our heads wouldn't be cut off. I haven't shared a picture of the whole family before, have I? Imagine all of these people and more, most of them tipsy on whiskey or wine, crowded into the kitchen playing Christmas charades and acting out things like "sugar plum fairy." That's the kind of fun we have together. I love it.

I gave Spousal Unit a record player for Christmas (which actually means I bought a record player for us). I'll tell you the brand and share a review once we've given it a proper run-through - we haven't tried the MP3-converter yet. But it does have decent little speakers, considering they're built-in. (We shall, of course, attach our own shortly.) In the meantime, here are some of the records we've squirrelled away for this moment, which we will enjoy heartily in the coming years. The Beatles were, of course, the first thing we heard. Gypsy Camp Fires was delightful on a first listen: a big orchestra and a very Russian sound. Big Bands Revisited will be fun to hear. This set has seven records, and if you've never heard big band or jazz on a record, give it a shot. That's the way such music is meant to be enjoyed. Music from the Penguin Cafe has been one of my favorite albums for years already. I picked it up for 25 cents at a thrift st...

Now that it's December 26, I'm almost done with my holiday knitting. I still have a couple of things to finish up, but once they're done, I'll be able to focus on other things for the first time in a few months. I'll have freetime again, to do whatever I feel like. For me, this means two things: reading and completing some goals on my 25 before 28 list. Reading means finally getting around to books I got for my birthday, like All These Things I've Done by Gabrielle Zevin, She Walks in Beauty (a poetry collection), and Wish You Were Here by Stewart O'Nan. Once we have all our books with us again, it means getting around to #18 on my list, reading The Reader in German. I didn't realize till now, but I've already accomplished #20 on my list: buying a mattress. Spousal Unit and I are still very pleased with it, and considering it's been more than a month since we got it, I should probably send in the warranty card. Yep. Probably. We also a...

Ah, tradition. Interesting that I immediately thought of a movie about Jews for my Christmas post. Happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa, merry Christmas, happy solstice and festivus! In other words, merry Christmahanukwanzasolstifestikah! Anyway. Tradition. Every year on Christmas Eve, my family would bake cookies (okay, sometimes the day before) and take a plate full of them over to the fire station, which was just a few blocks away. Some Christmas Eves, they would answer when we rang the bell, and we'd present the plate as a small way of thanking them for working the holiday. Other years, they'd be out doing their jobs, or catching some shuteye, and we'd leave the plate in front of the door, hoping they would notice it before stepping forward. I loved doing that. I still want to do that. But we're out of cookies, so I hope the fire folk will appreciate the store-bought ones. Later that evening, we'd go to church. The 11 p.m. service was always my fav...

Remember how I was hoping for snow yesterday? It snowed last night! It snowed last night! It's perfect.

A week ago, the Great Outdoors behind our apartment was a snowy winter wonderland. Now, it's... you know... not. Yes, there are some snowflakes in that picture. I was looking at the weather report for New Mexico earlier, where they've gotten one blizzard and are expecting another. I was wistfully wishing for a few flakes of our own when I looked out the window and saw them! Great, fluffy white things, prompting me to think of this poem my mom always recited when I was little: It snowed last night! It snowed last night! The sky bears had a pillow fight! They tore up every cloud in sight And let down all their feathers white. It snowed last night! It snowed last night! I still recite it to Spousal Unit every morning after a snow. Unfortunately, after I had taken a few pictures, trying to capture the molecules of frozen water, they completely disappeared. Now the sky is empty once again, full of only longing and heavy clouds that say, "May...

At Christmas, we all get our ears blown out and go a little bit crazy by hearing the same holiday tunes over and over. We hear more renditions of Jingle Bells and Joy to the World than any sane person would want to hear in a month's time. Yes, some of those versions are really good. But certain songs still don't get enough play on the radio, in department stores, or on elevator Muzak. Spousal Unit insists that being forced to listen to nothing but Christmas music for eight hours straight - as many retail employees are - would be considered a form of Cruel and Unusual Punishment, by military standards. I agree, which is why we should at least switch it up a little , please. Managers, owners, head honchos: why not add these songs to your holiday play? 12 Days of Christmas by Bob and Doug McKenzie - Some of you may think this song is simply irreverent, inappropriate, or too ridiculous to be considered an actual Christmas tune. Au contraire, mon frere. This song provides enthusias...

Everyone who knows me knows I have an unusual method of unwrapping gifts. It drives everyone nuts at Christmas, but moreso at my birthday (I imagine because no one else has presents to distract them). Because when I unwrap gifts, I slice each little piece of tape carefully, precisely, purposefully, to avoid ripping the paper. Do I save it when I'm finished? No. Does it drive me nuts when other people deliberately rip the paper from their gifts, watching me intently as they do? Yes. (And how did you know Spousal Unit was behind that one? Reading my mind, you are.) I've had relatives and friends alike resort to putting all their gifts in bags rather than wrapping them and sitting around for ten minutes while I cautiously excavate my prize. I don't blame them; I know it can get kind of obnoxious to wait for it. But here's why I do it. I have many favorite things about Christmas. One is being with everyone, crowded into a tiny space and being way too loud and excited and fu...

I am not a horror lover. Something about those terrifying movies just drives me mad. Some people love that. Some people thrill at being frightened: the fear remains mostly superficial and is brushed aside when need be, leaving behind a clean slate and a desire to do it all again. For me, it just leaves paranoia and paralysis as I squish my limbs into a corner, hiding from the ghosts, zombies, birds, etc. Once, during college, Spousal Unit tried to make me watch Evil Dead with him. Anyone who knows anything about Evil Dead is aware that it's a terribly made film, and most horror lovers view it as a comedy rather than a true horror. They sit down with a fabulosity of friends to watch the ensuing "hilarity," munching on their popcorn and clutching their guts in laughter. (There's even a musical version .) Well, that was more or less Spousal Unit's reaction to it. I squished quietly into the corner, as far from the TV as I could get. At the scene where a certain chara...

Yamuna’s Table by Yamuna Devi takes Indian cuisine and Westernizes it. There are some incredible recipes in here, like Blackberry-Filled Baked Apples with Saffron Pastry Cream – the main one that caught my eye. And amazingly, even that recipe looks like a simple task, despite the extravagant name. At first, I didn’t really buy the book’s tagline, claiming that this is healthful vegetarian cuisine. Almost every other recipe seems to have some sort of cream sauce. But the saffron pastry cream is made with skim milk, skim ricotta cheese, and nonfat yogurt. There’s a watercress cream sauce, also made with skim milk and only 1 tablespoon of butter, and the avocado cream doesn’t even contain dairy: just avocado, lemon juice, and grape juice. So on second glance, it’s pretty healthy after all. Devi has an interesting past – she’s sung backup for the Beatles and prepared food for John and Yoko (as mentioned in her recipe for Quinoa Mac and Cheese with Veggies), and also for Indira Gandhi. If n...

When I was in first grade, I didn't know yet what I wanted to be when I grew up. I'm sure I'd given it thought at some point, but I didn't have a fixed answer. I was mostly focused on being a kid and playing with my new baby sister. But one day in class, the teacher brought up the subject. I went to a tiny Lutheran school for kindergarten and first grade. We had a treacherous, delightful playground out back, and the whole school went to church on Wednesday mornings, in the attached chapel. The enormous first- through third-grade classroom consisted of 13 students and one teacher. Our lessons included math and reading, of course, but we also learned about the bible. As the teacher went around, asking every one of the seven first-grade students what they wanted to be when they grew up, I pondered to myself. Everything the others said sounded good - teacher, doctor, firefighter - but none of them really sparked my interest. The teacher finally reached the kid in front of m...

Today I have to drive and work the late shift, so here's your winter "sunset" of the week: a video of people who may or may not have actually said the things you're about to hear. Happy in Paraguay is a love story. And by that, I mean a story about people who love apple juice. Picard especially loves cheap apple juice. Have a lovely Tuesday.

So. Remember back when I wrote that letter to the Green Bay Packers, thanking them for their wedding present to Spousal Unit and I? I sent it. And they wrote back.  We got a whole packet of awesome from them. The letter was only a form letter, with our names inserted, but it was written in a way that made it sound personalized. (No mention of our anniversary present – a repeat of last year – but I’m sure that’s just because they want it to be a surprise.) We got Packers bracelets that say “Teamwork. Commitment.” There were two pictures of the team: one of the original Pack, and one of the more modern Pack. There were shiny, pretty stickers, and enough temporary tattoos for each of our cheeks. There were team schedules, in paper and magnet forms, and a pamphlet about joining the Packers Fan Club. Let me take this moment to say that the Terrible Towel is an awful idea. Whoever is head of marketing for the Steelers ...

Dear Knitting Abilities, Please stop freaking out on me, or Cthulhu will have us both for dinner. I don't think you realize the time table I'm on, so let me explain this to you. We have approximately two weeks, just two , until Christmas. This means creating and finishing four gifts in only fifteen days, start to finish, conception to wrapping. So let me make this abundantly clear. When a concept comes to mind, it has  to work. There is no room for this wishy-washy demolition and recreation of every project in sight. There is no time anymore to take things apart simply because something's a little off, but you're not sure what. You, my dear Knitting Abilities, are under pressure to perform perfectly. No freak-outs or temporary schizophrenia allowed. I understand, this is a lot of pressure to put on one little sense of crafting. You have colors and textures and notions running rampant on a daily basis. I'm basically asking you to make all the tetris piec...

Today, I have something a bit unusual to share with you. It's a pole dance. Rather, it's an incredible feat of athleticism, beauty, and way more splits than should be possible when you're not touching the ground. Don't be scared away by the term "pole dance;" she may be somewhat scantily clad, but honestly, most bikinis cover less than that. Imagine trying to pole dance in jeans and a sweater - I don't think it would work very well. I am thoroughly impressed.

When I was little, I had a bunch of video tapes onto which my mom had recorded some of my favorite TV shows. One of them was My Little Pony. I watched that show over and over again. Who knows why - kids always get hooked on things their parents hate, so my mom must have loathed it. It takes very little of this clip to tell that it's the '80s - Megan's wearing overalls, and check out Nightshade's "rocker" outfit. On this tape full of My Little Pony and its companion show, Glo Friends , there were many commercials. One of them was for Rock and Curl Jem, and I still, still have that stupid jingle memorized. You can do so much with her hair - curl it up, tease it out, or cut it off and tattoo her head with pens and markers. Something I would never consider doing. Another jingle I still can't get out of my head? The Christmas Nestle one. Fact: I've known this jingle for at least 20 years now. They could have...

Are you looking for gift ideas for others, but have no money to buy them with? Look no further - here's a slew of homemade projects that others will love! No matter your talents, you can find something here to make for others. These starry ball ornaments have a simple crocheted star wrapped around them, making an elegant new ornament out of an old one. You can make a handful of these before Christmas arrives and hand them out to friends and family in pairs. The pattern is also on Ravelry . You must know someone out there - adult or kid - who would love a Brainmonster hat. Hats actually knit up pretty fast, especially when they're for a little head. This one is also on Ravelry . This is a great recipe for Spiced Tea Mix , which my family always called Bohemian Tea. All Free Crafts provides lots of ideas and recipes for things in jars, from cookie mixes to hot chocolate. They even provide labels, like the one above, which you can print for free and attach to the jars. Add a spr...

On December 1, Spousal Unit and I put up our tiny little Christmas tree. The tree topper (at least for this year) is composed of our wedding cake toppers, which I purchased on Etsy . They are Ashitaka and San, from Princess Mononoke . Most adorable cake toppers/ornaments ever. This is a German decoration, called a Sternelicht, or "star light." It's all paper, with decorative holes cut out and lined with red tissue paper. You put lights inside it, and it glows beautifully. I have to pull out my German dictionary and make sure I read the directions correctly, or else I may burn down the apartment. And I think that would be frowned upon. Not all of the decorations are up yet, but home feels a little more Christmasy every day.

*Written throughout my freshman year, 2003-2004. Most of these lessons were, of course, learned the hard way.* 1. Cream of mushroom soup turns fuzzy green and red after four weeks in the fridge. 2. The secret ingredient in gummi fruit snacks is crack . 3. You can get bruised when someone bites you. (I don't think this was the situation most of my friends know about... I think that was sophomore year.) 4. Pants with lyrics written on them make a good conversation piece. 5. Gravity works. 6. If you need to hand-write six pages of essay quiestions for a mid-term and have tendonitis, wear the brace. 7. If your class is 1/4 mile from your room, make sure you have everything you need before you leave. 8. Don't eat cafeteria cottage cheese. 9. It is a bad idea to pour boiling ramen water on your fingers the week before a concert. Or, you know, ever. 10. Oatmeal is a good, cheap breakfast food. Also lunch, dinner, or snack food. 11. Wear flip-flops in the shower, not slippers. 12. Gett...

On occasion, old science fiction can easily take the Terrible Book Cover cake. For example, I present the excellent book John Grimes: Tramp Captain by A. Bertram Chandler. What an intelligent, well thought-out title for a great work of futuristic fiction. I'm sure the illustrator was only helping to promote the book's already stand-out intellectual ideas. Why, I'm surprised this one didn't win the National Book Award. HA! Oh, man. I just couldn't get through that whole thing with a straight face. He's the captain of what now? Alright, let me try again. Phule's Paradise by Robert Asprin clearly seeks to change the way sandy-haired surfer dudes and scantily clad young women are portrayed. After all, everyone knows that when faced with a giant green boar-man, the surfer dude will not just turn around and hit the waves. No, he will stand up for what is right by punching the monstrous creature in the tusks with a ridiculous expression on his face. And then the...