Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Things That Suck About Being a Grown-Up


You never realized as a kid just how often dusting is necessary. Dust accumulates at the speed of light.

Your energy reserves have been drained by the time you get home from a longer-than-usual workday. And now you have to go buy milk. Or toilet paper. Or something for the stupid potluck.

$100 used to be a lot of money. Now, you spend six to ten times that amount just to live in a crappy apartment. With spiders. And a basement from hell.

There are little things at your ankles that demand your attention and break all your awesome stuff. Some of them have fur. Others just poop a lot.

You know what's actually in the food you buy now, but can't afford to buy something better for you. Something without cancer in it.

Hey, that thing you were so carefully saving money for? The one you were only a few dollars away from buying? SURPRISE! Health care/car repair bill! No fun stuff for you. Just a muffler. And mufflers suck.

You discover boxes of stuff that you absolutely adored as a kid and all these awesome memories come flooding back. Then you have to throw it away because no one wants an old potato chip bag.

2 a.m. Can't sleep. No apparent reason.

3 a.m. Back pain wakes you. No apparent reason.

You're legitimately skilled at a lot of things, and from time to time, no one will pay you to do them. Cue sneaky hate spiral.


At a certain age, people look at you sideways when you're not getting married, a house, or knocked up. And maybe they don't say anything, but they don't need to, because TV ads shame you so they don't have to. (And part of you still wants to make blanket forts.)

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