Thursday, November 29, 2012

A Letter to Spousal Unit

Dear Spousal Unit,

Please explain why you delight in tormenting me. We have been married for almost two years. This should not happen for another year or two, I'd think.

Spousal Unit, let me explain something to you about the movie The Shining. It's about a writer and his family, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by cold and snow. It's about the writer's descent into madness and his attempt to kill everyone around him. In short, it's not a family film.

Let me be blunt: that movie draws a close parallel to our current lives. Do you really want to put that poster in the room where I plan to write? It not only sounds like a foolish idea, but a dangerous one. I'm already teetering on the edge of socially acceptable behavior; do you want to push me over entirely? On second thought, don't answer that.

True it may be, that you'd hang that terrible memorial to insanity, rage, and supernatural revenge in the library's hallway, where I won't be able to see it as I pluck away at my wordy ventures. But you're missing two very important points. The first is that it's almost creepier to know that poster's in the room, but not be able to see it.

The second is that I'll likely see it every morning when head to the kitchen.

Spousal Unit, you do have one good point about this monstrosity. Our last domicile was tiny, and the Batcave is much larger. We have plenty of wall space for all our art, and putting up with loving each other's quirks is a marital prerequisite. Which is why I propose the following: you hang up that poster for a trial run of one week. If, at the end of that time, I've managed to live out my days in relative ignorant bliss, it may stay.

If I start having nightmares or searching the want ads for an ax, it's probably a good idea to take the poster down. I tell you this in advance because once those cravings strike, I'll probably be too crazy to remind you of the idea.

Your wifal unit and a writer who doesn't want to end up like all the others,

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