Deviant Dispatches

I'm a bit preoccupied today with my new case of holy-crap-this-is-obnoxious back pain (a.k.a. pinched nerve again ), so instead of writing a normal post, I'm going to share other people's creativity with you. Enjoy, and I hope these things give you lots of ideas. But I hope they don't land you in jail. Because if you combine some of these, they totally could. Jenny the Bloggess bought a wolf pelt to wear. To the new Twilight movie. I hope she claimed at least once that it was Jacob. An adorable video of a blind kitten playing with toys, yoinked from my friend Finnley's blog. ...Followed by my favorite reptile store ever. Reptile Rapture is the pet shop equivalent of a hole-in-the-wall greasy burger joint. They're right next to a bar (and a tattoo parlor, I think), which I think must have led to some bad decisions in the past. Also, there's a buy one, get one free coupon for them in the Bucky Book, Madison's source for all things discounted. Yes, the coup...

Dear December, Soon, you will be here. I'm shaking off last week's madness in anticipation, so that my current Scrooge-like mentality doesn't sully your glory. I'm also shaking off the Christmas trees that were out in August and pretending they never happened. Now is the winter of our holiday cheer, and I am prepared to enjoy it to the full. December, do you see the lengths I go to just to enjoy the soft glow of the first snowfall, the first decoration I put up at home, the perfect cup of hot chocolate after the tree is in full glory? I'm ready. But are you ready for me? I ask that you prepare yourself as well. You know how I like it, December: joy and laughter, carols in the streets, an extra batch of cookies for someone who could use them. But this season could easily swing the other way, as it does for so many people, and become a time for grouches, Grinches, and grimacing. December, I'm asking you: don't be like that. I know how it be. Sometimes, the squ...

I'm sure everyone will be shocked to learn that this Thanksgiving weekend was overflowing with delicious food. But let me tell you about it anyway. Spousal Unit and I hung out at home for Thanksgiving dinner. For the main course, I made black beans and greens with cream sauce, served over barley. Spousal Unit and I love twice-baked potatoes, but I only had sweet potatoes in the house. So I made twice-baked sweet potatoes, which are now a Thanksgiving staple. I added cream cheese, ginger, cinnamon, and a pinch of brown sugar. For dessert, we had rømmegrøt. You remember rømmegrøt, don't you? I just mentioned it a couple of days ago . It was smooth and creamy, and cooked to perfection: the best batch I've ever made. I was on the phone with my grandma while I made it, so that must have been the trick! I also made a pumpkin cream cheese roll for dessert the next day. Spousal Unit's parent came up to see our new place, so we had our Thanksgiving with people on Friday night,...

For most people who have to (or even want to) go somewhere for one reason or another, today is hellish. Those who have been debating, I advise you to just stay home today. Some people are lucky enough to have all of Thanksgiving weekend off. Congratulations - you likely have human working hours, or at least jumped the gun soon enough to be one of your store's two employees with Black Friday off. Huzzah for you! The rest of us are not so lucky. Some are back at the office after a single day to stuff their faces and express thankful thoughts. Many others are back in their stores, after a day (or even less) of pretending to be thankful for something, rather than apprehensive about the dark cloud on the horizon. Others yet didn't even get a single day's respite from the rat race, working through Turkey Day and missing out on the big family dinner. I know that at this point, it's ridiculous of me to ask that you not go shopping, if you have your heart set on it. By all mean...

Obviously, I appreciate crochet patterns for ridiculous hats, like this Sexy Turkey Hat on Ravelry (I kid you not, that's the name of the pattern). Other things I've actively appreciated this week: 1. Phones. I've had mine for about four years. It's missing a button, and it always cuts my voice out at inopportune moments. But I still use it to talk to people I otherwise would go a very, very long time without speaking to. Being back in Wisconsin doesn't allow me to see my family quite as often as I'd hoped - mostly because of my job. But thanks to having a phone, I can talk to them about crocheted turkey hats whenever I want. They love that. 2. Scented candles. There is something a little rank in the halls of our apartment building. It's the scent of old sweat, bad Chinese takeout, and garbage that needs to be tossed. No one has garbage bags in the hall, but the smell persists, and that was how our apartment smelled when we moved in. Scent is a peculiar th...

When Spousal Unit and I first started dating, we spent almost every waking moment together. For the first several months, we at least tried to minimize the time we spent together - we'd both had our hearts broken in the past, and wanted to take it slowly. That didn't last long - it was like our hearts were opposing magnets, naturally and irresistibly attracted to each other. By the end of the spring semester (we started dating in January, but that's another story), I had secretly fallen in love with him, and he was none the wiser when it was time to say our summer goodbyes. Due to aforementioned heartache, I refused to say the "L" word before he did. We were between "like" and "love" - kelo, as we called it. His parents lived in Chicagoland, and mine were in the upper echelons of Wisconsin - a terribly far distance. To make matters worse, he was heading off for a few weeks of study in Guadeloupe, and I wouldn't be able to visit him for thre...

Alas, poor tape measure. It was a dear friend of mine. Hailing back to the days when I worked at The Country Today newspaper, it was one of few items I had that was hardcore, businesslike, and meant I was about to do some real work each time I freed it from my sewing cabinet. I used it for a plethora of activities. It helped me properly space nails. It suggested whether an item might fit in my car. It proposed alternate fuel methods for the world at large and solved the hunger problem in Almenistan. Which doesn't exist, but you catch my meaning. This tape measure was useful, practical, and made me feel generally more handy than I am. When something needed measuring, this bad boy let everyone know I was serious about it. With this tape measure, I was invincible. I had great visions in mind, of the two of us, years from now, measuring things for my children as they asked, "Mother, from whence hath this glorious implement hailed?" They may speak a bit differently; I'm j...

It is my firm belief that all suffering is relative. Everyone experiences pain in their lives. No matter who they are or where they live, something will make them experience some sort of anguish. The source of that anguish varies. Children around the world suffer because they don't have enough to eat and go to bed hungry every night. Some people are entirely alone in the world, having lost their whole families and everything that mattered to them. Others have lost their jobs and had to give up their homes, and it kills them inside to see their children adjust to a smaller home, a different school, and losing their friends all at once. In that short list, only the hungry children face deadly suffering. But that doesn't make the person who lost his whole family feel the pain any less. It still hurts just as acutely, and is probably the greatest pain he's ever known. The mother who lost her job can still afford a place to live, thanks to her spouse's income, but she dies a...

I mentioned in a post last week that to help myself adjust in our new place, I would try to focus on and fully enjoy something for at least five minutes a day. It's hard to remain focused on one thing for that long, but a shorter span is just as effective, I think. Here are a few of the things I've held onto so far. 1. Sunlight Yes, our windows may not look out onto anything very pretty. But we have seven of them in our little apartment, and when the blinds are all open, everything in here glows. We have enough set up here, in the way of furniture, that the rooms are starting to look homey and comforting, and the sunlight only adds to that. It was wonderful yesterday, on my day off, to just open up the blinds, pull down our makeshift blanket-curtains, and bask in the glow of vitamin D synthesis. Glorious. 2. Balancing the checkbook Okay, I actually hate balancing the checkbook, as I'm sure everyone does. I let it go for too long this time, resulting in a mess of receipts, c...

Earlier this week, Spousal Unit and I were driving around, spending too much money on things like food and nightlights , when we heard an amazing sound on the local radio station. The musician's name is Bonnie Prince Billy, and the station played the entirety of his new album, "Wolfroy Goes to Town." Apparently, everyone but me knows about him - he's been covered by Johnny Cash and Björk, among others. His sound is, to me, reminiscent of Iron and Wine - or maybe it's the other way around. Will Oldham, the bonnie prince mentioned in his recording name, has been making music for quite some time, almost twenty years at this point. It's the kind of music you'd listen to while trying to relax. But something anticipatory (and almost creepy) in the overall tone keeps you a bit on edge, as you can hear in Cows (Wolfroy Goes to Town). The instrumentation is broad, with everything from a string section backup, to an electric guitar, to an acoustic and xylophone. H...

I haven't been able to post any crafty, knitty stuff lately - it's the time of year when everything I make is a gift for someone, being stashed away for Christmas, which means being a quiet little elf about everything I create. Luckily, there have also been a couple of birthdays lately, and I can at last show you some of the beautiful projects I've been working on. My mom's birthday was in mid-October, and I found some beautiful yarn called Yarn Bee. I hadn't heard of it before, but I might need to get a big stash of it. It's braided yarn, and the one I picked up - Enchantress - has subtle matching sequins woven into the yarn. They're the perfect touch to this scarf, and they were great for my mom, adding a little bit of sparkle without making it too flashy. The other thing I liked about this yarn was knitting with size 11 needles. It only took me a couple of days to knit up this whole thing. It ended up being rather wide and a bit short, but it was still a...

Our new sunset-viewing location leaves something to be desired. Or maybe I should say something to be removed. That's a little better. Now if only I could permanently crop the highway out of reality...

We have a new home! So far, we're both very fond of it. We have a slightly larger one-bedroom, and the extra space was definitely worth it. Unfortunately, none of that extra space was in the kitchen. But we'll make do. The living room is spacious enough to have three separate lounging areas: one for watching TV and playing video games, one for sitting at a desk, and another space that is just full of boxes right now, but may become my knitting corner. The door in the above picture leads to our super-tiny porch, which is just arge enough for two small foldy chairs. You know, the ones that you take on picnics with you and stuff. I can't remember what they're called. (You're smart; you know what chairs I mean, right? We'll have some of those someday.) The bathroom is kind of obnoxious. Water pressure's kind of low, and the single switch in there turns on the fan and light simultaneously. But we have a plethora of closet space, and the rooms we'll spend a ...

Property of our friend Bill It's official: Spousal Unit and I got the apartment. We're moving in tomorrow. On the one hand, I'm excited. We're finally getting our own place, after months of our friends graciously putting up with our antics and sheltering us from heat stroke, frost bite, and raptor attacks. We're venturing out into the big ol' world out there for what's left of our first year as newlyweds. We get to settle into a new place for the second time in our lives together, and it can be as much alike or different from our old place as we want. We'll be discovering a new part of town: new favorite places, new favorite walks to take, new adventures with the building's washers and dryers. We will go exploring when we're not bone tired from moving in, and even if we're cranky when we go, we will still love each other more for it. On the other hand, we're stepping forward into unknown territory. It's a change of surroundings, with...

Several bits of awesome have happened lately. Here's how it went down. I finally got myself an awesome pair of boots. These are the boots I've mentioned to you before : the ones I've been looking for over the course of several years. They finally had my size in at the website, My Hot Shoes . The sizing advice said this shoe runs true to size, so I got a 10. They fit. I was amazed. And to top it all off, the top folds down, to cover the zippers. When I wear the boots with the tops down (I sound like a convertible), they don't catch on my fancy skirts. These are my new favorite shoes ever. The only problem is the tread... or should I say lack of tread. The bottoms are completely smooth. I'll have to step carefully, go to a cobbler, or wear different shoes on icy days. Which would mean not wearing these boots all winter. (Like that would happen.) Another recent bit of awesome is a candle Spousal Unit picked up at Target just before Halloween. It's a silver skull...

Dear Norwegian ancestors, Give me a freakin' break already. I appreciate that you had so much ambition. Why, everyone back then did enough burning and pillaging for three people in a single lifetime. You drank enough mead individually to leave a modern man drunk for the entirety of his natural life. You spun enough tales for today's cinema to create at least one really terrible movie . You've kindly passed down your drive to go places and do things, to the point where I feel guilty when I don't accomplish something monumental on a day off, like cleaning the whole house or curing cancer. It would be nice if you'd let me relax sometime. I know that at this point, you're a bit beyond my reach, Norwegian ancestors. It's been quite a while since you traversed the ocean, settled new land, and raised your children to be hardworking, lutefisk-surviving, silent-suffering members of society. But I'm still hoping you'll hear me, far away in the heart of Wiscon...

And now, one of my favorite fall poems. It may be a bit early, but I love it all year, so I will share it now. Fall Wind By Aileen Fisher Everything is on the run - willows swishing in the sun, branches full of dip and sway, falling leaves that race away, pine trees tossing on the hill - nothing's quiet; nothing's still; all the sky is full of song: "Winter's coming. Won't be long."

When I was in first grade, I got my ears pierced. It was kind of a disaster. All of my friends had, of course, gotten their ears pierced. (In reality, I think only one or two of them had.) I begged my mom over and over again to please, please, please let strangers use odd-looking implements to shove pointy metal through my flesh. Over and over again the answer was, "No, you're not old enough yet." I recall the same thing happening, years later, when I begged my mom to buy me sharp metal attached to a stick, so I could drag it across my legs and forcibly remove the hair on them. What's up with us as kids? We get so excited to do these things that will be obnoxious chores for the rest of our adult lives. Anywho, after telling me over and over how much it would hurt, my mom caved in and took me to get my ears stabbed. We went to a hair/piercing salon in the mall. To look at the same place now would possibly conjure images of Hep C and other deadly infections, but at the...

Photos of the sunset last night, taken by Spousal Unit from the non-existent dock. It's been removed in anticipation of frigid temperatures and fewer boats in the cold. The fish will soon be hibernating. I wish I could do the same. Wouldn't that be kind of cool, if humans as a species needed to hibernate? Our society would be completely different. Consider that as you work through Friday. Then go home and cuddle under a blanket, being glad you're not a fish in all that cold water.

As a counter to yesterday's post, today I bring you books that are interesting and well done, as opposed to written by monkeys and lining birdcages. The first in this installment of "Books I Will Read at Some Point and Might Also Like to Own" is Population 485 by Michael Perry. Michael Perry has returned to his hometown of New Auburn, Wisc., after a ten-year absence. To feel more in-touch with the town again, he joins the volunteer fire department, putting out flames and saving lives when he's not putting words on a page. This is the story of rural life: everyone knows everyone (including their history), and life is mostly taken at leisure - except when there's an emergency. The first chapter tells of Perry's connection to New Auburn, and also the story of Tracy, whose car went out of control at a dangerous turn. His telling of the two stories is immaculate, bits from one followed by pieces of the other. His language choice is perfect. Describing the accident:...

Remember back when I posted about those terrible books that people who shop the bookstore's clearance section don't even want? I have some more disgusting surprises for you today. Starting with... Single Dad Seeks a Wife is part of a whole series of books about - surprise - single dads. Apparently this is a niche fantasy out there that is popular enough to warrant an entire collection of ridiculous, unbelievable fantasies about inexplicably rich, handsome men raising kids all by themselves. Because single parenting is such a glamorous lifestyle, right? For example: this installment by Melanie Milburne features a "gorgeous" cop as the single father and a "feisty" Australian doctor as the love interest. The summary says they get together because Feisty Doctor realizes Hot Cop "needs her help." In his pants , I'm sure. Texas Glory's main characters are named Buck Star and Honor. What else do you really need to know? The summary gets better,...

Yesterday at work, a customer and her daughter came up to the counter with four wedding-related books. "I take it somebody's getting married," I said to them. "Yep, she is," said the mom. "Just got engaged on Saturday," said the daughter. "Ah, so still getting used to being engaged? I got engaged last October, so I remember that feeling well." They mentioned shooting for a May wedding; is it possible to plan a wedding in six months, they wondered? Definitely, I told them. I planned mine in three - just keep it small. After they left, I really wanted them to come back. I wanted to talk more to somebody about my wedding to Spousal Unit. The little details we had, the big things that happened that day - I only talked to a few people in-depth about it as we were planning, in part because I knew others might want to shoot me for talking about nothing else. You, my readers, are a captive audience. Although I guess you could surf away from this page...