Thursday, January 23, 2014

Penguin Escapades, Part I: A Letter to the Henry Vilas Zoo

Dear Henry Vilas Zoo,

I have made a personal goal in my life to pet a penguin sometime before my next birthday, in October. I'm sure you are all familiar with the drive that comes with a personal goal like that - after all, you did have to save up for a giraffe, and those guys can't be cheap.

Allow me to describe to you in detail why allowing me to pet one of your poofy Antarctic critters is in everyone's best interests. (I would go for four-part harmonies here, but this is not Alice's Restaurant and I am definitely not Arlo Guthrie. Sorry to disappoint.)

1. There's a rumor going around that penguins are not soft creatures - they are actually so sharp and solid that you could cut your hand on their dagger-like feathers. I cannot abide this kind of slander and intend to prove to the world that penguins are less like rocks and more like hot water bottles. This is first-rate journalism, I tell you.

2. Remember the movie Madagascar?


I believe that having watched it makes me Wisconsin's preeminent expert on penguin trickery and subterfuge. Meeting your frigid captives will allow me to properly gauge whether you're likely to have mutiny on your hands in the coming year. If so, I have a few tricks up my sleeve that will keep them docile and comforted.

3. I am a master of camouflage. The penguins won't even suspect there is an outsider in their midst.


Along with the brilliantly convincing points mentioned above, I would be happy to donate an agreed-upon sum to make our arrangement even more mutually beneficial. That's like getting the free thing they throw in for you on TV during infomercials, except a donation is way more exciting than a squeeze bottle or an extra Snuggie. I'd also be glad to detail my penguin petting escapade on my blog in order to promote the zoo and provide you with some free advertising. (In the movies, no one says no to free advertising.)

I eagerly await your delightful response, which is sure to be a resounding yes. After all, no one wants a penguin mutiny. I promise you.

Sincerely,
With penguin-loving hugs,
Allison

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