Thursday, May 2, 2013

Things That Should Be Awesome as a Grown-Up but Actually Suck

You can do whatever you want, whenever you want! ...But people look at you strangely when you make monkey noises at the post office.

You can watch R-rated movies anytime. But if you re-watch any of your favorite childhood movies, you discover that they've magically stopped being awesome. It's like they've gone through puberty too.

Your job gives you money. And you have to decide whether to spend it on a Darth Vader mask or on rent. (Often, it's not a choice. Your geeky stuff needs a place to stay, after all.)

High school is over, but some people never evolve. They are stuck in high-school mode and force you to suffer through their personal, debilitating dramas.

You can choose your own direction, but you do so at your own peril. There is no academic adviser to help you, and there are no save points to which you can return later.

All of the video games and cool outfits in the world are right at your fingertips, without Mom there to tell you, "That's too violent! That shirt is too short!" But you have to pay for them yourself. With money.

You were all excited for the day when it all finally made sense. The more days you live, the more you realize that day will never come and never existed, except in an alternate dimension. Onion-and-banana monsters probably live there.

The day never comes when you don't have to eat all of your vegetables. Not if you don't want your eyeballs to shrivel up and your hair to fall out.

If you can afford it, you can get your own car. But then you have to be responsible for it, and feed it gas, and bandage its wounds. And say, "Aw, who's a good Amy?" when it resists the highest hills.

Money. Money sucks.

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