Thursday, December 26, 2013

A Letter to Target

Dear Target,

You suck at shipping. Other things too, but I'm sticking with shipping for now.

Every year for Christmas, my family does a Secret Santa thing, because we are enormous and our wallets are tiny. This year, Spousal Unit drew the name of my sister Rachel, who wanted a popcorn popper.

I dutifully went to my local Target store in search of this delightful contraption, only to find it wasn't on the shelves; alas, I would have to order it online. (Target, you may be wondering why I was the one to do this, instead of Spousal Unit. The answer, Conglomerate Retailer of Doom, is that this is how things work in our household and you should mind your own business.)

When the package arrived - in a relatively short time, I might add - I only saw it from behind at first. But one thing was clear: it was shipped in its box with a thin piece of plastic around it. Nothing else adorned its cardboard sides.

Target, you sad, strange little chain. I'm a fan of saving the environment, just as you are pretending to be. If I could get away with it, I might also ship items in this manner. But you, my non-friend, are a retailer. Did it really not occur to you that at this time of spiked eggnog and splendor that some of the items ordered online might be gifts? Did it not occur to you that doing this to the box could possibly make someone's head implode hideously?

Count 'em: one, two, three stickers. And a giant dent in a pear tree.

Five of the box's six sides were draped in this thin plastic (is there a shortage or something?), but it was on the sixth side that you decided to affix all the massive, inhumanly sticky labels. One corner was massively dented, and there were small puncture marks across the box. I know they're fast, but did you really decide to start using a cheetah delivery service? I recommend against that - they apparently chew on everything.

This is the worst shape I've seen a box arrive in for a while (and keep in mind that I'm citing fairly recent bookstore experience too). I'd have exchanged this, but there was no time to go through the mail and back again before the holiday (thankfully, my sister has a sense of humor). Rest assured that if there is a single scratch on this item, you will have just submitted yourself to a dance-off.

I'm also not going to share any information with you about which poor soul was the one to slap on these labels and declare this defenseless box fit for air/truck travel. The reason? I blame you, Target. You and your terrible warehouse policies are most likely what caused this mess, not some poor soul under penalty of job loss to get the most orders out the door possible before the apocalypse (and/or Christmas).

The reason I write to you about a demented popcorn box is simple.

1. Stop being an ass to your employees.
2. Put at least one neuron of thought into your shipping policies. This is even possible of a cheetah; it should be the standard for you.

With an overabundance of freakin' holiday cheer,

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