Wednesday, April 2, 2014

A Letter to the Former Owners

Dear Former House Owners,

I'd like to thank you for the following items you so kindly decided to bequeath to us, for whatever reason.
  • Patio table with six chairs
  • Fire pit
  • Seven-foot metal windmill that makes me hear this in my head
  • Framed photo of the backyard in summer, to taunt us in this false spring
  • Moon-shaped hanging candle holder
  • Several children's art projects behind the closet door, as well as a Buzz Lightyear poster
  • Child's skis and ski poles, abandoned on a top shelf in basement storage
  • Hot pink Victoria's Secret robe, made with the tears of Sri Lankan children
  • Random chunks of asphalt in the yard
  • A furnace fan that will not shut up
  • What I assume is at least eight years worth of dust
I have to admit, it's weird to think about these things as though you left them to us on purpose. It's also awkward to think of you leaving them accidentally--or for any reason. Here's how I imagine some of your conversations going.

Left on Purpose
"Honey, wouldn't it be nice to leave a few things for the first-time homeowners? Like the patio set?"

"Sure! Let's throw in those rocks scattered in the front yard, too! It'll be a fun surprise once they get a lawnmower."

Left Due to Time Constraints
"We don't have time to pack any more stuff! Let's go!"

"What about this first art project Jimmy ever did?"


Left Due to Lack of Caring
"That fan's annoying. Should we get it fixed before we leave?"



Left Due to Zombie Invasion


Despite the fact that we've named the house Montressor, I'm hoping we don't find your remains in the basement due to the last circumstance. That would make this whole thing even more awkward. Please be alive.

With a nose full of your dust (thanks a lot),

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