Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Mushroom Toss

So, ah...

Last night I was making delicious sweet and sour stir fry for dinner. I chopped various veggies into oblivion as Spousal Unit lounged on the couch, shooting at odd-looking creatures on the TV screen. As I was chopping, he paused his game long enough to yell, "I'm hungry! I need a mushroom, STAT!"

I did what I usually do in that case: I grabbed the food and threw it at him (he inspires such desires in me). It was a single sliced mushroom, thrown overhand across the counter and into the living room, in what was sure to be a misfire.

Instead, it landed perfectly in his mouth. Seriously. You'll just have to trust me on this.

It was like witnessing the end of all warfare on Earth, successfully interpreting dolphin language, and being the first to make contact with an intelligent alien life form. All at once. We were shocked and amazed. We celebrated. There was pie and confetti.

Awesome! you might say. But no. Let me explain why our terribly low standards make this a rather awful thing indeed.

About two and a half weeks ago, we got hitched. We've been together for six years, so it was a long time coming, but it was still incredibly awesome and exciting.

Prior to the marriage, Spousal Unit created a new pasta sauce (it tasted like meat, but had none in it). We're newly minted vegetarians, so this was a great breakthrough in cooking technology for us. This was the most exciting thing to happen to us before the wedding.

Post-wedding, the Perfect Mushroom Toss has been the most exciting thing to happen to us so far. Are we doomed, as a couple, to forever having the lamest Exciting Moments in the world? Probably. Let's look at our history:


  • The most exciting piece of furniture we've purchased was our $40 couch from the Salvation Army.
  • The most exciting meal of the week (for me) is pasta, because I don't have to make it.
  • The most exciting place we've been since the wedding was a restaurant called The Hat.

We're doomed. I don't mind if our entire future together is incredibly boring, but I still think we're doomed to the most boring exciting moments ever.

The next one will probably involve belly button lint.

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